Some kind of strange and unexplainable primal forces are at work when the cleavage is exposed. When a man’s eyes make contact, our breath turns to short little panting noises as a pleasant warmth begins to develop in the nether region. Remember the Seinfeld episode where George stares at the NBC executive’s daughter’s low hanging fruit? Jerry says they are like giant and powerful magnets to the eyes with an effect much like Kryptonite has upon Superman.

Once again, it cannot be explained by mere rationale, but when the globes are in orbit, our eyes MUST make contact. Whether they are small and firm, or large, round and jiggly, it does not matter…we HAVE TO look! We HAVE TO. It’s like some unwritten law in the ancient records, scribed on the walls of the Mayan Temples. The luscious valley between the mighty peaks grips a man’s being much like the Sirens who seduced Homer in the Iliad and the Odyssey. Its spell is intoxicating driving a normal man to the very brink of childish behavior, not to mention – utter stupidity (or is that udder stupidity?)

We males have become masters of our craft. We have studied this vertical space of flesh and nothingness and have learned how to catch that sacred glimpse of nirvana at the perfect time. We look the female in the eyes, smile as we talk, nodding as if we are actually listening to a word the shrew is saying. It’s a peek of the holy grails that we are after and nothing will stop our valiant quest. We use cunning and guile to move their attention elsewhere – and the moment their eyes turn, OUR eyes dive in for the kill.

“Oh, look… that kitten must be lost.” We say with an innocent yet sinister glow.

“Oh, where?” she says, as her head moves about.

“Over yonder, in the bushes” you point, as your pupils all but burn a hole into her chest.

“Where?” she asks, “I don’t see a… um, what are you looking at?”

SNAGGED! You have been snagged! She begins to change the subject while awkwardly tugging her blouse upwards. As she continues to talk, you sit there like a fool – a large pulsating letter “L” is emblazoned upon your forehead as the beauty that once was is buried six miles deep in cotton and polyester fibers.

This previous action on the part of the female, I do not understand, as it confuses the male species here and abroad. Let me explain. A woman wears a shirt or sweater that by her choice, is low cut, as her ta-tas are in full display for all the world to gander. They’re swingin’ high and low, loose and free, giving the male populous the joy we so richly deserve. Yet the moment our woman – this teasing harlot – notices where our eyes are fixed, she folds her arms or grabs the nearest Cosmo to cover up those mountains of grandeur. UNFAIR I say!

I, the Zman, speak on behalf of heterosexual men everywhere on this wretched planet. Women, take heed. When you “CHOOSE” to wear a low cut top that exposes your upper region, DO NOT act so alarmed when we men are gazed upon your earthly beauty. Why do you wear such attire if you do not wish for us to stare? Why do you purposely dress so provocatively, yet cover up the moment we sneak a peek? I’ll be honest, ladies… since my early manhood this phenomena has really irked me to no end. You put the sale rack up on display, but when an interested shopper passes by, the curtains are drawn and the shop is closed. Again, UNFAIR I say!

I have to admit that this very horrid plight happened to me only today and I could not go another moment without speaking up for my fellow man. I was taken aback as my character was unfairly thrown into question. This was rude, degrading, and unjust in every way.

I’m telling you, there really was a lost kitten in the bushes. I swear.

- Zman

A while back we talked about the ten things you NEVER say to a guy – written by of course a chick without a friggin clue because of one major detail…SHE THINKS LIKE A CHICK!

Well, today I have the list of TEN Things that WE WISH (oh a tall wish indeed) our women would say to us! Can you imagine if they thought like this? Wow, would we all have a better world to live in…

#1 – What time is the football game on?
“I only ask, honey, because I’ll take some of the yard work off your hands – and then I’ll go out for a while – umm, probably giving you enough time until the post game show over. Oh yeah, chili is on the stove and cold beer is in the fridge. And I hope the Giants tear Dallas a new ass!”

#2 – Would You Mind If My Two Smoking Hot Divorced Friends, Sandy and Kelly Come Over and Have Some Drinks With Us Tonight?
“Honey, it would be such a thoughtful thing to do. Those two have been so lonely and do they ever need companionship. Hey, we can break out that vodka that gets you drunker than hell. I don’t remember a thing from the last time we drank that stuff. Plus they have got to be the sexiest women I know with kids – especially after the boob jobs. Please, baby, I’ll make it up to you.”

#3 – Damn It Babe, When the Hell Was the Last Time You Golfed?
“I can’t remember the last time you played a good round with your buddies. What the hell, Man, I didn’t buy you those Pings so you could just do work all the time. And I don’t give a shit what a weekend round costs – your sanctity of mind is what’s important. Oh by the way…here’s a few Montecristos. Those should last you through the day.

#4 – I Bought the Kids Movie Tickets for Tonight So We Can Crawl in the Hot Tub and Hump
“You cool with that?”

#5 – I Know the Economy Sucks and All, but God Dayum, You Would Look So Hot Driving a New Corvette!
You know honey, maybe it’s time I started showing you off a little. I mean I know I take you for granted sometimes and I couldn’t be luckier to have you as a husband. Just go to Chevy’s website and check out the 2011 Vette page. If I have to take a part-time job to help with the financing – well, it’s the least I can do.”

#6 – Do You Mind If We Watch Some Porn Tonight?
“Reality TV just sucks lately and I know how much you love those Cougar on Cougar scenes. Btw, there’s a large can of whipped cream in the fridge that I just picked up from Costco.”

#7 – You Know How I Told You That You Don’t Play Enough Golf?…
Well you sure as hell don’t play enough POKER, either. I mean really… when was the last time to you and your pals had a killer evening of Hold ‘Em? Tell you what, I’ll pick up a few cases, make a load of sandwiches, and wait up until you’re stinkin’ drunk.”

#8 – If I was bi-sexual, which of my friends would you like to see me with?
“Now I’m not saying that it’s gonna happen, but could you just do me a favor and let me know your opinion on this one? And don’t be shy about it.”

#9 – You Know – Call Me Crazy, But We REALLY Should Turn the Spare Bedroom Into a Walk-In Humidor.
“I know, where will our guests sleep? But, your cigars CAN’T be getting the right humidity just stuffed in all of those little boxes you’ve got them in. Come on – be practical here. You’ve spent a lot of money on all those things – especially the Cubans and the Anniversarios – and the last thing you want is for them to go to shit. I already looked on line and it’s not too hard to do, plus that cedar smell is intoxicating. Use your head, here.”

#10 – All Right – We’ll Compromise…
“We’ll divide the room in half…Half will be a walk-in humidor and the other half will be a man-cave for watching sports and smoking all those friggin stogies. The flat screen and surround sound is a given…but do you think a pool table will fit? You’re Okay with this…right? I know it’s kind of selfish on my part, but I love when you crawl into the sack all stinking like a JR Ultimate Maduro.”

Wow…if there truly is a God, this will happen some day. One day, we will all be Kings again… oh yes, we WILL be kings again.

- ZMAN

As my son has just hit 14 year’s of age – on his way to earning his Mancard – I’ve noticed his interest in girls getting more and more obvious. Each morning before school he hoses himself down with AXE body spray, and when mixed with Fritos for lunch it makes for an interesting middle-school aphrodisiac. Plus he’s doing a lot of Myspace messaging back and forth with the young ladies, which I say, “kudos little dude.”

I was trying to remember my earliest feelings for the opposite sex and it was probably in first grade where I sat in front of Kathy Werbin’s house one Saturday morning for about four hours waiting for her to come outside. I remember my heart pounding, wondering what I would say when we’d hook up. (It’s uncanny how woman make guys do brutally stupid shit – even at six years old.) Finally my patience paid off as she appeared from her garage – and man she was hot – even back then I was particular about looks. I remember she was into GI Joe’s and asked me to play. (It’s funny that GI Joe’s were actually dolls wrapped in testosterone so boys would be tricked into playing with them.) But my little heart was soon plucked from my ribcage as she had to go – a play date with Robert Sandler was scheduled and that was the first time I realized what cruel harlots the opposite sex can be.

It was definitely movies and TV that helped to arouse my nubile senses in the early years. I didn’t know why, but at ten years old I couldn’t take my eyes off of Barbara Eden’s stomach when she donned that genie costume. I used to get warm all over when she pranced around her Cocoa Beach habitat. And even at ten I wondered what the bloody hell was wrong with Major Nelson - I mean for crissakes, come on, man! Forget the fact that she was sizzling hot and was sworn to his every command – the bonehead could have anything he wanted – gold, jewels, cars, homes – but it was always, “Don’t use your powers, Jeannie.” What a friggin ass-tro-NOT.

Those cavorting cougars always had me more worked up more than Laurie Partridge or any of the Brady chicks. Girls my own age didn’t do it for me. I can’t explain it, but I always had a penchant for the older gals. Now I know most guys loved Dawn Wells as Mary Ann, but I was always a Ginger guy, and when Tina Louise strutted about in those slinky nightgowns, I was glued to the tube. (And it wasn’t until I was around 15 that I came to the conclusion that Gilligan, the Skipper, and the Professor were all raging poofters.) I’ve never really dug the “girl next door” type, but more the sultry, buxom bombshell. And as a lad, no one had me standing at full attention more than the incredible Raquel Welch. I was just a kid but I had an amazing appreciation for her killer body, complete with swollen appendages. You can blame God or nature, or the earth’s primal forces, but I was not in control of certain bodily reactions when Raquel appeared on a TV talk or game show. I used to scan the TV Guide when we got it to see if the starlet was appearing anywhere. That same era had the likes of Ursula Andress, Elke Sommer and Gina Lolabridgada, Sophia Loren, Brigette Bardot, and Margaret Nolan - incredibly voluptuous goddesses I couldn’t take my eyes off!

The same unexplainable force that changes the tides and pulls plants towards the sun had me more jacked up than ten Milky Ways and a jug of Bosco. I vividly remember watching Goldie Hawn dance in a bikini on Rowan and Martin’s Laughin, and thinking, “Now that sure as hell beats playing with GI Joe’s.”

Even though she wasn’t provocative, I always dug Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha Stevens on Bewitched. Again, at an early age I recognized her beauty and just being a witch carried a sexiness all of its own. And again, with the ability to have anything he wanted, her retarded husband Darrin suffered from Major Nelson syndrome: “Don’t use any witchcraft to get what we want or need, Sam.” Whether it was York or Sargent, both Darrin’s were most definitely a couple of real “Dicks” when it came to Samantha’s powers.

No doubt today’s TV is a hell of a lot more sex oriented and I realize that my son is subject to those same unexplainable forces that his daddy was driven by. Plus with the internet and its 12,000 naughty sites, my kid doesn’t have to go rooting around my bedroom for pop’s “half-assed” hidden Playboy magazines (sorry dad, but you’ve gotta know I would have found them even if you buried them two miles under the goddamned septic tank.)

Listen, my intent here wasn’t to write a sexist piece and I’m certainly not advocating my kid look at porn or anything like that. I just know at 14 what my son is feeling as I think back to my early days of youth. And there’s no doubt everyone of you guys have similar memories and stories of your own – hopefully to share in the comments section below (and please do so because I’ll most likely need to convince my mother, wife, and daughter that I’m not a raging perverted psychopath, after they read this.)

Glad I could share such nice mammaries.

And hey, if you love the chicks from the sixties and seventies, there’s no better magazine to get your nostalgic dander up than Cinema Retro, published by my good buddy and film (and James Bond) aficionado, Lee Pfeiffer @ www.cinemaretro.com

- Zman

In the early 50’s famed artist George Petty drew and airbrushed the pin-up girls for Ridgid Tools popular calendars. According to the ASIFA Animation Hollywood Animation website:

George Petty was one of the top “cheesecake” illustrators of the 30s and 40s. He began his career with a series of cartoons featuring beautiful girls and their far from handsome beaus. His work coined the term “Petty Girls” to describe the carefully airbrushed girls with brilliant smiles and sexy poses. He left Esquire, to be replaced by Alberto Vargas who we will be featuring here soon, and became a freelance commercial artist. His girls soon ended up gracing magazine ads and calendars for such unlikely products as Tung-Sol Radio Tubes and the aptly named, Ridgid Tools.

Being a huge fan of nostalgia and retro stuff, I love this calendar art and so will you. An interesting note about the artist… He grew up working in his dad’s photography studio where airbrushing was common in the business, but not at all in illustration – until he applied the medium to drawings like these making Petty the pioneer of the technique for illustrators who followed.

Scroll down and check ‘em out…just gorgeous stuff!

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE!

Tell us who happens to be your favorite RIDGID chick from years back. While March 1953 is incredibly suggestive for it’s day, I think November 1952 would have threaded my pipe with the most precision!

- Zman

By Izzy Jaecks

For those of you guys who love the loaf but don’t cook, Izzy Jaecks brings us a recipe that even a primate could make…

Because everything’s better with bacon, a recipe to put a smile on that grizzly face…

I don’t cook beyond heating things.  I don’t even have a grill (or anywhere to use one) so if something is easy enough to ME to make, it’s easy enough for just about anyone to make.  There is almost no measuring to this, and I came up with the recipe just walking around the grocery store trying to think what would be good in meatloaf…. I call it “whole meal” because adding spinach and oatmeal make this a pretty balanced meal all in itself (I like one dish meals).  So I present my Stupid-Proof, Whole Meal Meatloaf:

2 lbs ground beef

1 can chopped tomatoes, mostly drained

8 oz fresh mushrooms, chopped

10 oz package of frozen spinach (thawed…)

3 raw eggs

1 packet soup mix

2 cups “old fashioned” oatmeal

And of course, the very best part of all… one entire package of delicious bacony flavored bacon!

The proportions are what you can find pre-packaged, and even the oatmeal you can just toss in a couple handfuls instead of measuring exactly. Mix it all together in no particular order, stuff it into a bread pan, weave bacon strips across the top and bake it for about an hour and a half at 375.  If there is any leftover mix that didn’t fit into the bread pan, just fry it up like a burger patty.

Variations:   use different kinds of ground meat – turkey, veal, pork… add cheese…

Trust me, you won’t need ketchup, it’s awesome all by itself—and DAMN it’s great as leftovers and sandwiches with some melted cheddar. After I make it I cut it up, chuck it into the freezer, and take pieces to work for lunch. Hey, I’d share some with your guys, but the Zman just devoured the whole pan full!

- Izzy

Part One of this Outstanding Video Interview

Michael Gladis plays the pipe smoking copywriter, “Paul Kinsey” on AMC TV’s, Award Winning, Mad Men. Not only does his character Paul smoke a pipe on screen, but Mr. Gladis smokes a pipe in real life.

PipesMagazine.com Editor & Publisher, Kevin Godbee sat down with Michael Gladis in the private smoking lounge at Davidoff of Geneva in midtown Manhattan on November 14, 2009. They talked about pipe smoking, his role on Mad Men, and his acting career in general. Michael is charming, friendly, and witty while he enjoys smoking his pipe and giving us the inside scoop on Mad Men and telling us how he is similar to Paul Kinsey. See Part I of our video interview with Michael Gladis here and see if you can get the trivia question right at the end.

Watch Part One of Kevin Godbee’s Interview by CLICKING HERE

Follow Us on Twitter for All Your Testosterone Filled Updates > www.twitter.com/planetZman

Metal, Chrome, & Testosterone

Recently I attended “Bike Night” at JR Cigars in Whippany, New Jersey, with my 13 year old son, Tommy. It was just the gorgeous, perfect night – blue sky and late summer temperatures as motorcycles of every size, make, year, design, and color descended upon the parking lot for four hours of high-tech nostalgia and testosterone.

I admittedly don’t ride or own a bike, but the middle age crazy, mid life yearning in me really wants to something fierce. I just love motorcycles and the unbridled freedom they represent. My friends who ride say that just like smoking a cigar, cruising on a bike unwinds the mind and recharges your batteries, allowing you to become one with the bike and your surroundings. My wife thinks I’m out of my f’ing mind but why would I expect her to understand? She loathes cigars even thought those checks I get to support the family come straight from the tobacco world.

Long hairs, throwbacks, and white-collar dudes joined in unison to hang and celebrate the age-old joy of “riding on the wind.” They came from all walks of life (Yeah, and that would be me, “posing” on a custom Harley.) It was a male bonding extravaganza and the smell of finely aged burning leaf wafted through the air as Tommy and I oogled and ah’d at many an amazing piece of machinery and art. Of course all of the true blue Harley’s were out in full force as well as some very cool Victory’s, but I was definitely impressed with many of the Japanese bikes that have taken on the American “bad-boy” look. Honda, Yamaha, and Kawasakia make some bikes I couldn’t believe weren’t American made as their engineering and style were flat out awesome. Then there were Triumphs, BMW’s, and some old Norton’s on display, as well as my all-time favorite, the Indian.

A few years ago, Indian Motorcycles went belly up. I decided to check the web and found out that the company has been reformed with a brand new headquarters and a state of the art manufacturing facility in Kings Mountain, North Carolina. Four brand new 2009 gorgeous touring road models should be available this fall and that is just great news for a true American icon. You certainly don’t have to ride bikes to appreciate the amazing beauty and hand craftsmanship that goes into these masterpieces. Seems they’ve received a 30 million dollar cash infusion from investors, and the people at the top are hiring the best in the business at every position in order to bring this much heralded name back into the public eye. God I want one. Please mom and dad, oh can I please have an Indian for Christmas? Check ‘em out for yourself at: www.indianmotorcycle.com

There was this one dude, the classic rebel with the long white ponytail, dressed in the traditional biker garb and rode a beautiful “old school” style chopper that was in super mint condition despite being 40 years of age. With long handle bars, spoked wheels, a tiny little gas tank, chrome everywhere, and a rebellious gleaming swastika mounted above the sissy bar, this mutha was no wannabe poser as many an onlooker smiled in delight. And, the man was a perfect gentlemen which is definitely the norm at a gathering like this.

As riders of every type were in attendance, so was my pal, Dave Runfeldt, the honorable mayor of Lincoln Park, New Jersey (also Chiropractor extraordinaire and volunteer firefighter) and owner of a magnificent Harley Davidson Road King, special fireman’s edition. Emblazoned in screaming fire engine red and adorned with flames flowing up the fenders, this big boy turned a hell of a lot of heads – No, not Dave – the friggin’ bike, you dumbass!

And what bike rally wouldn’t be complete without the smokin’ hottie biker chicks clad in their short denim shorties, leather vests, and bulging twin-v’s. I give major kudos to the older gals – the plus 40 ladies who may have added a little umph to their personal cruising weight, but still had the moxie to parade their wares for a dad and his pubescent kid. It’s a pisser because Tommy tries to pretend he’s not looking but I’m sure he was feeling a tad warmer than usual on Friday night.

Incredible machines, tasty cigars, male camaraderie, and hot babes. Damn, what will they think of next?

Ride the wind, brother.

- ZMAN

Here’s the link for remaining 2010 bike and car shows at JR Cigars in Whippany, New Jersey…

——————————————————————————————————

http://www.jrwhippany.com/index.cfm?page=events_bikecarshow_2010

• All shows 6-10pm
• Grillin’ and Chillin’ outside until 8pm cooking up burgers and dogs
• Beer Specials in the bar and lounge
• Free to spectators and car/bike owners

#1 – Do You Love Me?
It’s funny because the typical male’s answer to that question is almost always the same: “WTF is that supposed to mean?”

#2 – I’m Thinking of Having Plastic Surgery
Our expert claims that men want their women to have natural beauty and that the “real” you, the girl he fell for won’t be there anymore. What a crock of Shinola! I say bring on the saline and pump those puppies up. I’d love it if my wife came home with a new set of big bouncy cans. The first thing I’d do is toss her a basketball and watch her dribble in a low cut top. Although paying for them is another story.

#3 – You Used to Take Me Out and Now We Don’t Do Anything
Whaddya mean we don’t do anything? We watched the Giant’s game, grappled in the sack for three minutes, shopped on line at JR.com, and you cooked me a wonderful roast beef dinner! I think this was a pretty perfect Sunday, if you ask me.

#4 – Don’t You Like My New Outfit (Or Hairdo?)
Okay, now this is a lot of pressure for a guy because the initial response his brain makes is – “What new hairdo or outfit?” But we act cool, try not to flinch and make a suave remark like, “Sure looks better than that old p.o.s. you used to have.” And as you know, that is a very BAD answer, but at that moment your team is inside the five yard line and the friggin’ shrew couldn’t wait until the end of the goddamned game?!

#5 – Don’t You Want to Go Shopping?
Which is like asking a man, “Do you want me to stick a grappling hook in your eyes then pour gasoline and ignite your old Marvel Comics collection?” If the shopping is for you, she’s saying that your three Metallica t-shirts and one pair of shredded jeans make you look like garbage. And if the shopping is for her, well then, all right – bring on the hook but don’t dare touch the comics.

#6 – Can We Talk? (While he’s trying to watch the game.)
Unless it’s about Pittsburgh’s inability to run on the Giants D, what time the Rangers/Islanders game is tonight, if you’d like to make a beer and hot wing run, or if I think that 15 minutes during halftime is enough to pleasure me…please keep the pie-hole on auto-shut. If it’s about the yenta’s at work or the fact that I forgot our anniversary, please wait until I’m in a drunken stupor and passed out in a heaping mess of my own bodily fluids.

#7 – I Only Slept With (insert number) of Guys Before You
Yes, every man wants to have a clear mental picture of another guy shtooping the gal he said “I Do” to. Please – give me all the details, no really – want to know. The so-called expert says a woman should NEVER – EVER let this proverbial cat out of the bag. Oh come on, we’re bigger than that, we can take it… I mean I want to hear all about the days with her heals high in the air while screaming out some dirtload named Roscoe’s name while spread eagle over a duffle bag full of hockey equipment in the back of his ’76 Pinto.

#8 – You Care More About Your Friends Than You Do Me
Now the expert claims this is some kind of trust issue, but since I’m a guy, I don’t get what the hell this broad is getting at. Hey, my friends are important to my life – we smoke cigars, watch the game, go golfing, and other neat stuff. Honey, they could never replace your vacuuming skills and the fact that you dig anal. And do you think that Joe or Sal would wash my underwear? Come on.

#9 – Why Don’t You Start going to the Gym?
The expert does have this one right as she claims that nagging your man could actually cause him to do the exact opposite. “Yeah honey, I really dig looking like a fat blob of shit.” She says to the ladies to get your guy to take a hike in the mountains and then share a bottle of wine together. Sounds great, but she leaves out the part about humping in the dirt until your head explodes. And if you have Verizon, your man can even catch the scores of the games in real time.

#10 – Does This Make Me Look Fat?
The ultimate question that every broad since the dawn of time has asked every poor schlep who owns a penis.
“Og…dis bear fur make me look fat?”
“Ugh, watching dinosaur fights with Glock. Got Raptors at 3 to 1. Make fire and come back later.”
“Og…I want to know – does dis bear fur make me look fat?”
“Uh…No… course not… YOU make you look fat.”
“Owwwwwwww!” (as Bronto bone is hurled across his thickened brow.)

Honesty may not always be the best policy as a lady’s feelings get hurt, but then the woman gets mad if she thinks you’re lying to her. It is the classic No-Win situation – just ask Og.

So that’s it. I hope I cleared things up from the guy’s perspective. God knows if the Mrs. reads this I may not have the use for my hands for a while.

- ZMAN

1958 was a big year for Tuscaloosa. Not only was it the first year that Paul “Bear” Bryant starting coaching at Alabama, but it was the year that John “Big Daddy” Bishop opened his first Dreamland Café. Big Daddy was a mason for many years, which is some hard work. One night he got on his knees and prayed for another way to make a living. That night, he dreamed of opening a café and he made that dream a reality.

The original Dreamland Café is located about two miles from the intersection of Hwy 82 and Interstate 59 just south of Tuscaloosa . In the beginning, it wasn’t just ribs and white bread. Big Daddy cooked a lot of different things, but what made the customers keep coming back was not only the warmth they felt every time they passed through the door, but Big Daddy’s ribs and secret recipe bar-b-que sauce.

Dreamland is still eminently known for bar-b-que ribs. The décor inside the original café is warm and inviting with a big bar, a few tables and booths and a pot bellied stove. It feels like you are attending a family picnic indoors and the ribs are delicious, cooked the same way for the last 50 years. Inside you will meet customers whose family has been coming to Dreamland for generations. Big Daddy always said, “You should be good to the grandparents” and his own children would help customers to their cars and open the door for them. The point is that John Bishop didn’t just open a café- he made a place that was home to his children and his family and extended that feeling of love to everyone that came by.

RIBS & PORK THRU MAIL ORDER? HELLS YEAH!!!

If you are unable to visit one of their 8 Alabama restaurants, you can still enjoy the legendary taste of Dreamland Bar-B-Que ribs, pulled pork, bar-b-qued chicken, hickory smoked sausage, and baked beans delivered right to your door. They ship their USDA inspected ribs and sauce most anywhere. Order online or call them 1-800-752-0544 for more shipping information.

Check This Out…

50th Anniversary Package!
Celebrate Fifty Years of BBQ greatness with asampling of all their products! You’ll get 1 slab of ribs, 1 lb of pork, 1 lb of hickory smoked sausage, 1 quart of our legendary sauce and 1 bottle of dressing. Also included are wet naps, bibs, a loaf of Sunbeam bread and heating instructions.

Good god, I’m ordering five of these. Now what is everybody else gonna eat?

Visit www.dreamlandbbq.com and get some of your own, dammit!

Since you’ve landed on this website, it means that there’s a 99% chance that you are of the male species. So the question is – Do you think of yourself as a “Man’s Man?” You probably already consider yourself in that company, but how can you “really” tell for sure? Well, the Zman has come up with a self-examination quiz that will accurately measure your levels of testosterone, guy thoughts, and man sweat.

It’s the Official Planet Zman Manly Man Quiz

The following 35 questions have been technically researched and verified for authenticity. So give us your answers fair and square, and see what kind of guy you really are. How much testosterone is in your tank? Lets find out, shall we?…

1. Have you seen the movies Slap Shot, Red Dawn, Weird Science, Clerks, Lost Boys, or High Plains Drifter in any combined order a total of 20 times?

2. Do you ever find yourself saying “Go get your f@#king shine box” at the most inappropriate times?

3. Have you smoked a cigar during a game of Texas Hold ‘Em anytime in the past 2 weeks?

4. Do you know who the team with the most victories in Monday Night Football history is?

5. Do you laugh aloud every time the giant rack of ribs flips the Flintstones car in the final credits?

6. Have you ever kissed the Stanley Cup?

7. Have you ever drank Budweiser from an ashtray, shoe, or a rubber?

8. Do you religiously head bang to the ending of Bohemian Rhapsody?

9. Do you have a favorite Motorhead song?

10. Have you ever been drilled in the cubes with a street hockey ball?

11. Do you find Paris Hilton a brutally skanky, bizarre, oddity, yet you’d hit it just the same?

12. Are you a normal law abiding good citizen, yet you get off on anyone who is pummeled, maimed, strangled, curbed, or cut up into pieces on the Sopranos?

13. Do you have any sorrow whatsoever for Bill Buckner?

14. Would you stop for a sack of White Castle Sliders even though you were on your way to your mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner?

15. Have you ever given nicknames to any of your farts?

16. Do scenes of John Travolta dressed in drag in the movie Hairspray give you convulsions or seizures?

17. Have you ever spent more than 30 minutes trying to delete pop-up windows during a random porn surf?

18. Three Stooges episode or Obama / Clinton debate?

19. Does the thought of having a Corvette, a Harley, and a Hummer in your driveway make you retard giddy?

20. Do you own more than three humidors?

21. Do you soil yourself each time Col. Jessup barks “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH?”

22. When flipping through TV channels, do you pause each and every time on the Spanish station while trying to convince your significant other that it’s for educational purposes?

23. What do you think is heavier: Trying to figure out the meaning of life or Rosie O’donnell’s lunch bag?

24. Have you ever watched Das Boot and felt bad for the Germans?

25. Should cheeseburgers have their own box in the food pyramid?

26. Do you wish you could be Mikey from American Chopper for just one day?

27. Do you find it to be offensive when a woman displays major rack then covers up when you stare?

28. Do you still get awkwardly tense each time you hear Tommy DeVito ask, “What do you mean, I’m funny?…You mean the way I talk?…What’s funny about it?…What the f@#k is so funny about me? Tell me?”

29. Do you feel Harvey Fierstein should be held accountable for the gerbil shortage in French Guiana?

30. Bill & Ted, Harold & Kumar, or Jay and Silent Bob?

31. If it was ok with your significant other, would War Pigs be your wedding song?

32. Did you swear like a psycho drunken sailor and throw shit at your TV when the screen went to black during the Sopranos finale?

33. If Dr. Phil, Simon Cowell, and David Spade were killed in a mine shaft explosion would your immediate response would be, “huh, looks like rain today.”

34. Do you admit to drinking a glasses of ecoli laden raw eggs after you saw ROCKY for the first time?

35. Who’s on first?

OK, brothers, you’ve done your best. Good luck in your continual quest towards eternal manliness and may God bless your decrepit soul.