You Got a Problem Wit Dat?

Yeah, I do. It’s sucks. It’s boring. And I’m really pissed because nobody’s gettin’ whacked. I was a Sopranos junkie… and for those of you who have never watched or followed the show, this is what life is now like for those of us who lived for the monumental series. On June 11, 2007, HBO aired the final episode of it’s all-time biggest hit, The Sopranos, and ever since then, Sunday nights without Tony, Carmela, Chris, Paulie, and Silvio just ain’t right.

Maybe you don’t like violence? Maybe you deplore gangsters. Maybe you’re the effeminate type and dig Desperate Houswives? Or maybe you’re just a cheap f@#k who won’t spend the coin for HBO? Whatever the reason, you’ve missed out on some of the finest acting and storylines the television world has ever known. The HBO series, which first aired in January of 1999, has become the most prolific drama in the history of television. In TV Guide’s list of the 50 Greatest Shows All-time, The Sopranos ranks number five, behind four legendary comedies: 1. Seinfeld, 2. Lucy, 3. The Honeymooners, and 4. All in the Family. It’s the highest rated cable series ever, and the only cable-show to win the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series.

For some weirdo reason, perfectly nice everyday honest hard-working citizens were romantically addicted to the exploits of this brutal and violent crime family. Wonderful, law-abiding citizens worldwide were simply enamoured with Tony Soprano and his cast of goombas.“How in God’s name can you like that show?” I have been often asked. “Those people are are thieves, bullies, thugs, con men, philanderers, drug dealers, and ruthless, murdering psychopaths… yet, you love them? WTF?”

Again, for those of you who have never watched the series, for some unexplainable and disturbing reason …we could relate to them. SAY WHAT?! I know that sounds bizarre, but listen to me. The reason that regular everyday folks could relate to these people was because Tony and his family let you into their home and personal family lives. They didn’t live behind iron gates like the Corleones – they lived in suburban northern New Jersey, where mob boss Tony himself strolled down his driveway each and every morning to pick up the Newark Star Ledger. And that is where the brilliance of show creator David Chase comes in. He made them real people with real foibles and phobias. They may be Mafioso by day, but by night they return to their true families and face everyday issues like running a home, raising their kids, investing, paying taxes, dealing with prejudice, and caring for their health. In the past, mobsters were bigger than life as they gunned down their enemies in a blaze of bullets and fire on the silver screen. Tony Soprano visits his son’s guidance counselor, hosts family barbeques, protects his loved ones from a recurring black bear, and drives his daughter to visit a quaint New England college. (But of course while Meadow is visiting the campus, he crosses paths with an ex-mobster in the witness protection program – a guy who ratted – and Tony brutally strangles him with his bare hands. Gotta kill time somehow.)

There’s no denying whatsoever that the Sopranos are an abomination – a psychologically disturbed, ethically bankrupt, spiritually void gene pool. But, fans like myself are obsessed with their lives, and we love them unconditionally – as if they were of our own flesh and blood. When nine o’clock struck on Sunday nights and that magical, hypnotic theme song by the band A3 began to play… Bum, ba bum, bum, bum, wa wa wa…”Woke up this morning and got your self a gun…” like one of Pavlov’s dogs, I’d prop up in front of the TV in a semi-lathered state as Tony drove through the Jersey side of the Lincoln Tunnel, lighting his cigar, pulling the Turnpike ticket from the booth, cruising past, Pizzaland, Satriale’s Pork Store, and the rows of refinery tanks in lovely Newark. For the next 60 minutes, you couldn’t help but become are a blood sworn Soprano.

And now…Sunday nights are a bore. No pre-show pasta and canolis. No cigars with red wine. No hearing the F-word sixty-some odd times within an hour. Nobody getting shot, strangled, beaten, flogged, shoveled, maimed or curbed. No dead go-go dancers, burned up racehorses, pony-tailed assassins, or severed heads in a bowling ball bag… nothin’. Just boring ol’ Sunday night, sitting around with the loved ones.

How uncivilized.

- Zman

I am telling you straight out that Seth MacFarlane is a goddamned modern day genius, and at age 35, he is the highest paid screen writer in the history of television, receiving a whopping 100 million dollars from 20th Century FOX. He presently has three series on FOX, has won two Emmy awards, and the world must look like one great big son of a bitch of an oyster to the man.

In 1999 he gave birth to the most insane, brilliant, bizarre, show that has ever aired, the infamous Family Guy. If you’re a fan, then you know how brutally weird the humor is. It speaks to a very wide demographic of generations – from teens to retirees, which has been a massive recipe for success. Oddly enough, the show has been canceled twice, but a huge backlash from the fans and record setting DVD sales forced the people at FOX to reconsider. And now the show has been contracted through 2012 and is a certified billion-dollar franchise.

MacFarlane has a personal list of great shows and actors that he idolized as a kid – Jackie Gleason, Woody Allen, All in the Family, and not surprisingly, The Simpsons – and you can see a little bit of each in his characters, who are all certifiably nuts. This New England based dysfunctional family has more issues than Playboy Magazine and the things they say and do each week continue to astound and push the comic envelope way beyond the breaking point.

Peter Griffin, the dad and main character is probably one or two degrees more retarded and infantile than Homer Simpson, and it is amazing that he can somewhat function in the human race. In one episode he sees his doctor for a proctologist exam and when the doc slips on the rubber gloves and prods the Hershey Highway, Peter flips out and sues his physician on rape charges. He tells his wife in a state of terror, “He raped me…he did bad things to me…he took away my innocence.”

One of the stranger characters that has ever graced the tube (which is no longer a tube, btw) is the Griffin’s baby, Stewie – a football shaped headed infant who talks like a cultured socialite and has a recurring desire to kill his mother and take over the world. You know, typical baby stuff. It seems that only the family dog, Brian can hear and understand Stewie, but all these years, no one is really sure. In one of the funniest scenes I have ever watched in television, Stewie becomes a bookie and takes a $50 wager from Brian (who talks and walks upright) on a boxing match between Mike Tyson and the ancient performer Carol Channing. Of course, Brian picks Tyson – and of course, Channing wins the fight. When Brian steps out of the shower, Stewie is there – inquiring about his money. When Brian gives him a BS story and tries to blow him off, baby Griffin gets medieval on the pooch’s ass – smashing a glass of orange juice into his eye, slamming his head into the toilet, and breaking the towel rod off the wall, beating him within and inch of his canine life. I laughed so hard that I almost coughed up a lung.  In another episode, his mother Lois forgets to get Stewie from his crib, where in turn the psycho baby replies, “This isn’t some Tommy Lee pool party.

I used to watch a massive amount of television as a kid, but with today’s gathering of pablum puke ridden, un-intellectual, reality driven pap, I find very little to enjoy other than a ball game or a movie once in a while. I’ll still watch the Simpsons when in the mood, Two and a Half men is a very well written comedy, Heroes is pretty cool so far, but I’d have to say that Family Guy keeps me riveted to the screen and I’ll watch four straight repeat episodes in a row on cable. Wondering what these out of bounds characters will say next is what keeps me coming back for more. And I watch faithfully with my 14 year old son as we both howl like giddy morons and high-five during the good parts. Am I setting a good example? Don’t ask me serious questions when I’m in a Family Guy state of mind. Have some consideration.

Ok, are you ready for the most bizarre and jaw dropping fact of all about Seth MacFarlane? I will quote direct from Wikipedia because I couldn’t write this any better or different myself… On the morning of the September 11, 2001 attacks, MacFarlane was scheduled to return to Los Angeles on American Airlines Flight 11 from Boston, Massachusetts, after delivering a keynote speech at his alma mater. MacFarlane has stated his travel agent gave him an incorrect departure time (8:15 a.m. instead of 7:45 a.m.) and that he was suffering from a hangover from the previous night’s celebrations. As a result, he arrived at Logan International Airport sometime around 7:30 and was unable to board the flight. Fifteen minutes after departure, American Airlines Flight 11 was hijacked, and at 8:46 a.m. was flown into the North Tower of the World Trade Center in New York City, with no survivors

There is obviously a reason why the good man upstairs spared Mr. MacFarlane a tragic fate on the most tragic day in US history. And it looks like his fate was to continue on as the Family Guy for quite some time. “I really can’t let it affect me because I’m a comedy writer,” claims Seth. “I have to put that in the back of my head.”

- Z

What’s your Dream Job? Making beer wouldn’t be so bad, eh?

Meet Egotv.com, a terrific website for us guys and new bestest buddies with PlanetZman! The site has all kinds of useful manly man stuff, including it’s own dedicated online mini-shows that are a hell lot of fun – and my new favorite is Tom Arnold Dream Jobs.

I’ve always really liked Tom Arnold’s humor, he’s a funny, down to earth guy and the perfect person to host this new show. In this episode, Tom visits Gordon Biersch, a Microbrewery in Burbank, California, that makes real German beer-garden style beers! It’s a true learning experience for all of us as the Head Brew Master shows us everything that goes into crafting a microbrewed beer.

Did you know that the complete cycle is five weeks to go from grain to glass? Hops, barley, water, and yeast is all you need to make a kick-ass brew and you’ll have fun seeing how it’s done – up close and personal! Damn it, guys, I wanna make some beer, too!

So click the link, watch the show, learn and enjoy!

CLICK HERE> Tom Arnold’s Dream Jobs – Microbrewing episode

- ZMAN

By Larry Winget

NY Times Best Selling author, Larry Winget is NEVER at a loss for words. And today, things aren’t any different. Buckle your chin strap and read on, my good people…

I want to make it clear from the start that this rant was inspired by Troy Simmons. He wrote me on Facebook with his comments that I have included below. It was so good that I suggested to him that he write more and put it out there somewhere but he said for me to run with it if I wanted to. So I am going to add a bit to what was already a great email he sent me, but I want to say thanks to Troy upfront for his inspiration.

From Troy: “It is my observation that there is a growing epidemic of excuses that I call the “Lazy Man’s Theory of Relativity.” Americans seem to continually measure their position or situation in relative terms that makes their lazy lifestyles appear more successful. Let me give a few examples: I am relatively thin compared to that fat guy; I’m relatively rich compared to that broke ass over there; I work relatively hard compared to the narcoleptic janitor; I’m a relatively great parent compared to that woman wearing the muumuu feeding her kid Twinkies for lunch; or the worst one—we are relatively free compared to people in other countries.

What has happened that has enabled us to give up on our ideals and settle for relative success or perfection? Why are we always on the search for that loser whose life sucks more than ours so we can remind ourselves how good we are doing. I can’t stand it when someone makes relative comparisons to make the current situation appear less painful or pathetic.”

That’s what Troy sent and I agree. What’s happened to us?

There is plenty that happened to us and I have written 6 books talking about most of it. However, I think that a good bit of the comparisons we make are based on our constantly being fed stupidity via the media. Since people on average watch about six hours of TV per day it’s easy to see how we buy into it or maybe we just absorb it like a sponge. I always tell folks that about the time that you think your life sucks, just flip over and watch an episode of Jerry Springer and you will see some folks whose lives REALLY suck! But it isn’t just good ol’ Jerry that serves up these idiots to us on a silver platter. It’s Supernanny and Nanny 911 showing us how pitiful people are as parents. Then it’s Wife Swap, that disgusting bit of voyeurism into the lives of horrible people and dysfunctional families who are need attention so much that they are willing to expose their stupid lives for all of the world to make fun of. Want to see some truly pitiful, needy people who have taken it mainstream?

Try watching The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. If my kid ever acted like any of these attention-whores I would smack them. Do people honestly think they are going to find their one true love by acting like these trashy women and idiotic narcissistic jerks act? They aren’t and only an idiot would put their sad life on television and be so shallow in their relationships. Or tune into Big Brother. Hell, even watch an old episode of Big Spender if you want to see some pitiful folks! Or if you want to really feel good about yourself tune into ten minutes of Toddlers and Tiaras. This horrible show about parents dressing their 2 and 3 years old like strippers to win a “beauty pageant” is without a doubt the most disgusting display of stupidity on the planet. Someone should horsewhip these stupid people and take their kids away from them before they screw them up beyond repair!

My point is this: We make these shows huge hits on television and tune in week after week in order to make ourselves feel better about our own lives. “I may not be doing so well but I’m not THAT bad!!!!” It’s not about how well you are doing relative to how badly others are doing. It is about how well you are doing based on how well you COULD be doing. If you have the ability to earn $250,000 a year yet you earn only $40,000 a year, you are a loser. Why? It’s not because you earn $40,000 a year believe me. It’s because you could be earning more and you aren’t. If you do your best and earn $40K per year, then I am fine with it. Or if you only earn $18K a year based on your honest to goodness best effort, that’s okay too. I don’t measure people by how much money they make so don’t jump on me about this, instead, pay attention to my point: You aren’t doing your best. You could earn more and you aren’t. Why aren’t you? Are you lazy? What’s your excuse?

I don’t care where you are in any area of your life, if you are doing your very best with the talents you have, then I will applaud you. If you aren’t, then I will say you are wasting your life being less than you could be, earning less than you could be, and you are cheating yourself, your family and the rest of us by not doing your best.

This is what I want you to do… Look at your life. Examine where you are financially, in your career, your health, your weight, your education and your relationships. You might even want to take some notes. That’s right, write down how you are doing so you will have it in black and white. Then ask yourself in each area if that is the best you could be doing. Write down your answer. A big fat YES or NO will do. Then ask yourself why? Only you can answer this one. Know why you aren’t doing your best. Get honest with yourself. Write this one down too so you will have it on paper in front of you. Tell yourself exactly why you aren’t willing to give it all you’ve got. Pay attention to that last sentence where I say, “why you aren’t willing” because that is what it comes down to. It is about whether you are willing to do what you know it takes to be your best. And know that if you aren’t doing your best it’s simply because you are not willing to do it. Stop looking at the idiots out there comparing your actions and results to theirs.

Stop living the Lazy Man’s Theory Of Relativity. It’s about your current performance relative to your personal best potential performance! Oh yeah, and stop watching so many stupid people on television.

My last big pitch for my new book, No Time For Tact: 365 Days of the Wit, Words, and Wisdom of Larry Winget

My new book is now available at all of the online bookstores and at your local bookstore. You can buy it online for less than $14 bucks even! It is one thought per day based on the very best stuff, hand-selected by me from my other books. It is a daily calendar book that gives you a daily kick in the butt to move you from where you are to a better place. Each page features a dose of wisdom, an inspiring idea, a rant, or just a good ol’ hilarious thought on a variety of topics including career, family, personal finance, parenting, personal development and business.

If you have already bought the book, please leave a review of the book at your favorite online store. Just go to: http://www.larrywinget.com/notime.html

And of course make sure to visit Larry’s website: www.larrywinget.com