Some kind of strange and unexplainable primal forces are at work when the cleavage is exposed. When a man’s eyes make contact, our breath turns to short little panting noises as a pleasant warmth begins to develop in the nether region. Remember the Seinfeld episode where George stares at the NBC executive’s daughter’s low hanging fruit? Jerry says they are like giant and powerful magnets to the eyes with an effect much like Kryptonite has upon Superman.

Once again, it cannot be explained by mere rationale, but when the globes are in orbit, our eyes MUST make contact. Whether they are small and firm, or large, round and jiggly, it does not matter…we HAVE TO look! We HAVE TO. It’s like some unwritten law in the ancient records, scribed on the walls of the Mayan Temples. The luscious valley between the mighty peaks grips a man’s being much like the Sirens who seduced Homer in the Iliad and the Odyssey. Its spell is intoxicating driving a normal man to the very brink of childish behavior, not to mention – utter stupidity (or is that udder stupidity?)

We males have become masters of our craft. We have studied this vertical space of flesh and nothingness and have learned how to catch that sacred glimpse of nirvana at the perfect time. We look the female in the eyes, smile as we talk, nodding as if we are actually listening to a word the shrew is saying. It’s a peek of the holy grails that we are after and nothing will stop our valiant quest. We use cunning and guile to move their attention elsewhere – and the moment their eyes turn, OUR eyes dive in for the kill.

“Oh, look… that kitten must be lost.” We say with an innocent yet sinister glow.

“Oh, where?” she says, as her head moves about.

“Over yonder, in the bushes” you point, as your pupils all but burn a hole into her chest.

“Where?” she asks, “I don’t see a… um, what are you looking at?”

SNAGGED! You have been snagged! She begins to change the subject while awkwardly tugging her blouse upwards. As she continues to talk, you sit there like a fool – a large pulsating letter “L” is emblazoned upon your forehead as the beauty that once was is buried six miles deep in cotton and polyester fibers.

This previous action on the part of the female, I do not understand, as it confuses the male species here and abroad. Let me explain. A woman wears a shirt or sweater that by her choice, is low cut, as her ta-tas are in full display for all the world to gander. They’re swingin’ high and low, loose and free, giving the male populous the joy we so richly deserve. Yet the moment our woman – this teasing harlot – notices where our eyes are fixed, she folds her arms or grabs the nearest Cosmo to cover up those mountains of grandeur. UNFAIR I say!

I, the Zman, speak on behalf of heterosexual men everywhere on this wretched planet. Women, take heed. When you “CHOOSE” to wear a low cut top that exposes your upper region, DO NOT act so alarmed when we men are gazed upon your earthly beauty. Why do you wear such attire if you do not wish for us to stare? Why do you purposely dress so provocatively, yet cover up the moment we sneak a peek? I’ll be honest, ladies… since my early manhood this phenomena has really irked me to no end. You put the sale rack up on display, but when an interested shopper passes by, the curtains are drawn and the shop is closed. Again, UNFAIR I say!

I have to admit that this very horrid plight happened to me only today and I could not go another moment without speaking up for my fellow man. I was taken aback as my character was unfairly thrown into question. This was rude, degrading, and unjust in every way.

I’m telling you, there really was a lost kitten in the bushes. I swear.

- Zman

Since you’ve landed on this website, it means that there’s a 99% chance that you are of the male species. So the question is – Do you think of yourself as a “Man’s Man?” You probably already consider yourself in that company, but how can you “really” tell for sure? Well, the Zman has come up with a self-examination quiz that will accurately measure your levels of testosterone, guy thoughts, and man sweat.

It’s the Official Planet Zman Manly Man Quiz

The following 35 questions have been technically researched and verified for authenticity. So give us your answers fair and square, and see what kind of guy you really are. How much testosterone is in your tank? Lets find out, shall we?…

1. Have you seen the movies Slap Shot, Red Dawn, Weird Science, Clerks, Lost Boys, or High Plains Drifter in any combined order a total of 20 times?

2. Do you ever find yourself saying “Go get your f@#king shine box” at the most inappropriate times?

3. Have you smoked a cigar during a game of Texas Hold ‘Em anytime in the past 2 weeks?

4. Do you know who the team with the most victories in Monday Night Football history is?

5. Do you laugh aloud every time the giant rack of ribs flips the Flintstones car in the final credits?

6. Have you ever kissed the Stanley Cup?

7. Have you ever drank Budweiser from an ashtray, shoe, or a rubber?

8. Do you religiously head bang to the ending of Bohemian Rhapsody?

9. Do you have a favorite Motorhead song?

10. Have you ever been drilled in the cubes with a street hockey ball?

11. Do you find Paris Hilton a brutally skanky, bizarre, oddity, yet you’d hit it just the same?

12. Are you a normal law abiding good citizen, yet you get off on anyone who is pummeled, maimed, strangled, curbed, or cut up into pieces on the Sopranos?

13. Do you have any sorrow whatsoever for Bill Buckner?

14. Would you stop for a sack of White Castle Sliders even though you were on your way to your mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner?

15. Have you ever given nicknames to any of your farts?

16. Do scenes of John Travolta dressed in drag in the movie Hairspray give you convulsions or seizures?

17. Have you ever spent more than 30 minutes trying to delete pop-up windows during a random porn surf?

18. Three Stooges episode or Obama / Clinton debate?

19. Does the thought of having a Corvette, a Harley, and a Hummer in your driveway make you retard giddy?

20. Do you own more than three humidors?

21. Do you soil yourself each time Col. Jessup barks “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH?”

22. When flipping through TV channels, do you pause each and every time on the Spanish station while trying to convince your significant other that it’s for educational purposes?

23. What do you think is heavier: Trying to figure out the meaning of life or Rosie O’donnell’s lunch bag?

24. Have you ever watched Das Boot and felt bad for the Germans?

25. Should cheeseburgers have their own box in the food pyramid?

26. Do you wish you could be Mikey from American Chopper for just one day?

27. Do you find it to be offensive when a woman displays major rack then covers up when you stare?

28. Do you still get awkwardly tense each time you hear Tommy DeVito ask, “What do you mean, I’m funny?…You mean the way I talk?…What’s funny about it?…What the f@#k is so funny about me? Tell me?”

29. Do you feel Harvey Fierstein should be held accountable for the gerbil shortage in French Guiana?

30. Bill & Ted, Harold & Kumar, or Jay and Silent Bob?

31. If it was ok with your significant other, would War Pigs be your wedding song?

32. Did you swear like a psycho drunken sailor and throw shit at your TV when the screen went to black during the Sopranos finale?

33. If Dr. Phil, Simon Cowell, and David Spade were killed in a mine shaft explosion would your immediate response would be, “huh, looks like rain today.”

34. Do you admit to drinking a glasses of ecoli laden raw eggs after you saw ROCKY for the first time?

35. Who’s on first?

OK, brothers, you’ve done your best. Good luck in your continual quest towards eternal manliness and may God bless your decrepit soul.

My wife claims I’ve ALWAYS had reality TV – football, hockey, and baseball. And with the explosion of internet porn, a guy might not have to leave the house until the next millennium (now if only my computer could cook…).

The cable networks got smart and started pandering to us dudes, knowing there’s not a hell of a lot on the major networks to keep us entranced. In 2003, the Discovery Channel started following the exploits of a dysfunctional family of motorcycle builders from Orange County, New York. I happened to actually stumble upon that very first episode of American Chopperwhile flipping through the channels – and although I wasn’t a huge bike lover, this show tugged at my testosterone as iron, sparks, and vicious tempers flew! Oldschool dad, Paul Teutul and creative son Paulie Jr. produced outrageously wicked themed bikes while they duked it out in a thunderstorm of continuous verbal onslaughts. Heavy metal music would crunch in the background as voiceover man Mike Rowe filled us in on all of the manly details. Lazy and talentless, goof-off son Mikey was brought in to supply some levity during Big Paul’s vein-popping tirades, and before you knew it, Discovery Channel had a mega-hit on their hands. Man oh man, now I wanted a motorcycle in the worst way – but somehow, my “better-half” beat that out of me. Wuss.

A year before that, West Coast Choppers cult hero Jeese James had features done about his California based bike shop, and he also hosted Monster Garage, where ordinary vehicles were transformed into nitro burning beasts. These new shows had male audiences tuned into the Discovery Channel like never before, and reality TV was about to take a new twist.

Deadliest Catch caught everyone’s eye – and appetite – as they show what life is like for Alaskan King Crab Fishermen. Considered one of the world’s most dangerous jobs, these brave yet thoroughly insane men sail the frigid Bering Sea in small fishing boats all for the hopes of bringing in the motherlode – and a year’s worth of pay in just two months. I can’t get it out of my head that some dude almost sacrificed his life so I could suck the meat from some long legs with drawn butter. And as much as it truly bothers me, I find a way to fight through the ghastly vision and dine on.

Discovery voice over man Mike Rowe cleans sewage back-up, pig poop, and inseminates cows all for your viewing pleasure on Dirty Jobs. Rowe’s sense of humor and great timing make this hour-long disgust-fest a great watch. Ice Road Truckers follows the men who drive big rigs across frozen lakes and oceans just north of the Arctic Circle. These mental-cases deliver much needed cargo in sub zero temperatures – knowing that at any moment their truck could disappear forever with one bad crack of the ice. Again, big dollars are the only incentive that “drive” these daredevils. (You know, I think there should be a new show called cameramen of the Deadliest Catch and Ice Road Truckers. Those crazies are right there amidst all the action and danger, first hand!) And now we have AxMen, the newest dangerous job show that features loggers in the Pacific North West who excavate mountainsides where it’s too dangerous to bring big machinery in. One logger interviewed said about his job, “You try not to think about dying because it’ll ruin your day.” And, of course, so will dying.

There are two similar shows running, Survivorman, featuring Canadian wilderness guide and survival expert, Les Stroud – and Man vs. Wild, starring former British special forces assassin, Bear Grilles. The plots are similar, both men are dropped off in some godforsaken, hellish jungle, dessert, mountain range, or ice cap, with only a few essentials. They must live off the land and survive the elements. The difference is that Stroud is by his lonesome, and carries around video camera’s to record his stay, while Grillesis accompanied by a camera crew who “supposedly” interferes in no way and does not supply food or help unless in case of a true emergency (you know, like a grizzly gnawing on his skull while he sleeps.) But Grilles has recently come under fire as he has been accused of fraud – everything from staging chance meetings with wild animals, walking frightening terrain with cars passing by 50 yards away, and sleeping in Holiday Inns. Now I’ve seen the guy drain the water out of elephant crap for a quick pick-me-up, and gut a dead camel and crawl inside for shelter, so I can’t be too hard on the fella. But fans of both shows are pretty pissed that while Grilles wakes to buttered scones, Stroud’s continental breakfast consists of roasted scorpions and a nice piping cup of his own urine. Yummo.

I may as well let it out that I’m pitching the networks for an amazing reality show, one that pits man against the most brutal and cruelest of elements. This will be a show of great fortitude, inner strength, and mental toughness. I call it: Cigar Blogger - and just as it’s name suggests, this ain’t no walk in the park, people. The premise is based on a worldly and rugged writer who must rise every morning and produce a story that captivates and moves an audience mostly made up of overweight, cigar smoking junkies. He will smoke many stoagies while spinning his tales of facts and whimsy. First it’s an egg sandwich and coffee, peeing several times, and then check the retard emails his buddies send. This is drama in it’s highest form as the cameras capture every move at his suburban home in the Soprano state. He’s putting out the recycle, rearranging cigars in the humidors, scratching his boys, and typing furiously as his brain spews his daily creations. He’s tough, he’s dedicated, and he’s about to surf milf sites when done with today’s epic. He’s the New JerseyCigar Blogger – and manly is his middle name. -ZMAN