You Got a Problem Wit Dat?

Yeah, I do. It’s sucks. It’s boring. And I’m really pissed because nobody’s gettin’ whacked. I was a Sopranos junkie… and for those of you who have never watched or followed the show, this is what life is now like for those of us who lived for the monumental series. On June 11, 2007, HBO aired the final episode of it’s all-time biggest hit, The Sopranos, and ever since then, Sunday nights without Tony, Carmela, Chris, Paulie, and Silvio just ain’t right.

Maybe you don’t like violence? Maybe you deplore gangsters. Maybe you’re the effeminate type and dig Desperate Houswives? Or maybe you’re just a cheap f@#k who won’t spend the coin for HBO? Whatever the reason, you’ve missed out on some of the finest acting and storylines the television world has ever known. The HBO series, which first aired in January of 1999, has become the most prolific drama in the history of television. In TV Guide’s list of the 50 Greatest Shows All-time, The Sopranos ranks number five, behind four legendary comedies: 1. Seinfeld, 2. Lucy, 3. The Honeymooners, and 4. All in the Family. It’s the highest rated cable series ever, and the only cable-show to win the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series.

For some weirdo reason, perfectly nice everyday honest hard-working citizens were romantically addicted to the exploits of this brutal and violent crime family. Wonderful, law-abiding citizens worldwide were simply enamoured with Tony Soprano and his cast of goombas.“How in God’s name can you like that show?” I have been often asked. “Those people are are thieves, bullies, thugs, con men, philanderers, drug dealers, and ruthless, murdering psychopaths… yet, you love them? WTF?”

Again, for those of you who have never watched the series, for some unexplainable and disturbing reason …we could relate to them. SAY WHAT?! I know that sounds bizarre, but listen to me. The reason that regular everyday folks could relate to these people was because Tony and his family let you into their home and personal family lives. They didn’t live behind iron gates like the Corleones – they lived in suburban northern New Jersey, where mob boss Tony himself strolled down his driveway each and every morning to pick up the Newark Star Ledger. And that is where the brilliance of show creator David Chase comes in. He made them real people with real foibles and phobias. They may be Mafioso by day, but by night they return to their true families and face everyday issues like running a home, raising their kids, investing, paying taxes, dealing with prejudice, and caring for their health. In the past, mobsters were bigger than life as they gunned down their enemies in a blaze of bullets and fire on the silver screen. Tony Soprano visits his son’s guidance counselor, hosts family barbeques, protects his loved ones from a recurring black bear, and drives his daughter to visit a quaint New England college. (But of course while Meadow is visiting the campus, he crosses paths with an ex-mobster in the witness protection program – a guy who ratted – and Tony brutally strangles him with his bare hands. Gotta kill time somehow.)

There’s no denying whatsoever that the Sopranos are an abomination – a psychologically disturbed, ethically bankrupt, spiritually void gene pool. But, fans like myself are obsessed with their lives, and we love them unconditionally – as if they were of our own flesh and blood. When nine o’clock struck on Sunday nights and that magical, hypnotic theme song by the band A3 began to play… Bum, ba bum, bum, bum, wa wa wa…”Woke up this morning and got your self a gun…” like one of Pavlov’s dogs, I’d prop up in front of the TV in a semi-lathered state as Tony drove through the Jersey side of the Lincoln Tunnel, lighting his cigar, pulling the Turnpike ticket from the booth, cruising past, Pizzaland, Satriale’s Pork Store, and the rows of refinery tanks in lovely Newark. For the next 60 minutes, you couldn’t help but become are a blood sworn Soprano.

And now…Sunday nights are a bore. No pre-show pasta and canolis. No cigars with red wine. No hearing the F-word sixty-some odd times within an hour. Nobody getting shot, strangled, beaten, flogged, shoveled, maimed or curbed. No dead go-go dancers, burned up racehorses, pony-tailed assassins, or severed heads in a bowling ball bag… nothin’. Just boring ol’ Sunday night, sitting around with the loved ones.

How uncivilized.

- Zman

I am telling you straight out that Seth MacFarlane is a goddamned modern day genius, and at age 35, he is the highest paid screen writer in the history of television, receiving a whopping 100 million dollars from 20th Century FOX. He presently has three series on FOX, has won two Emmy awards, and the world must look like one great big son of a bitch of an oyster to the man.

In 1999 he gave birth to the most insane, brilliant, bizarre, show that has ever aired, the infamous Family Guy. If you’re a fan, then you know how brutally weird the humor is. It speaks to a very wide demographic of generations – from teens to retirees, which has been a massive recipe for success. Oddly enough, the show has been canceled twice, but a huge backlash from the fans and record setting DVD sales forced the people at FOX to reconsider. And now the show has been contracted through 2012 and is a certified billion-dollar franchise.

MacFarlane has a personal list of great shows and actors that he idolized as a kid – Jackie Gleason, Woody Allen, All in the Family, and not surprisingly, The Simpsons – and you can see a little bit of each in his characters, who are all certifiably nuts. This New England based dysfunctional family has more issues than Playboy Magazine and the things they say and do each week continue to astound and push the comic envelope way beyond the breaking point.

Peter Griffin, the dad and main character is probably one or two degrees more retarded and infantile than Homer Simpson, and it is amazing that he can somewhat function in the human race. In one episode he sees his doctor for a proctologist exam and when the doc slips on the rubber gloves and prods the Hershey Highway, Peter flips out and sues his physician on rape charges. He tells his wife in a state of terror, “He raped me…he did bad things to me…he took away my innocence.”

One of the stranger characters that has ever graced the tube (which is no longer a tube, btw) is the Griffin’s baby, Stewie – a football shaped headed infant who talks like a cultured socialite and has a recurring desire to kill his mother and take over the world. You know, typical baby stuff. It seems that only the family dog, Brian can hear and understand Stewie, but all these years, no one is really sure. In one of the funniest scenes I have ever watched in television, Stewie becomes a bookie and takes a $50 wager from Brian (who talks and walks upright) on a boxing match between Mike Tyson and the ancient performer Carol Channing. Of course, Brian picks Tyson – and of course, Channing wins the fight. When Brian steps out of the shower, Stewie is there – inquiring about his money. When Brian gives him a BS story and tries to blow him off, baby Griffin gets medieval on the pooch’s ass – smashing a glass of orange juice into his eye, slamming his head into the toilet, and breaking the towel rod off the wall, beating him within and inch of his canine life. I laughed so hard that I almost coughed up a lung.  In another episode, his mother Lois forgets to get Stewie from his crib, where in turn the psycho baby replies, “This isn’t some Tommy Lee pool party.

I used to watch a massive amount of television as a kid, but with today’s gathering of pablum puke ridden, un-intellectual, reality driven pap, I find very little to enjoy other than a ball game or a movie once in a while. I’ll still watch the Simpsons when in the mood, Two and a Half men is a very well written comedy, Heroes is pretty cool so far, but I’d have to say that Family Guy keeps me riveted to the screen and I’ll watch four straight repeat episodes in a row on cable. Wondering what these out of bounds characters will say next is what keeps me coming back for more. And I watch faithfully with my 14 year old son as we both howl like giddy morons and high-five during the good parts. Am I setting a good example? Don’t ask me serious questions when I’m in a Family Guy state of mind. Have some consideration.

Ok, are you ready for the most bizarre and jaw dropping fact of all about Seth MacFarlane? I will quote direct from Wikipedia because I couldn’t write this any better or different myself… On the morning of the September 11, 2001 attacks, MacFarlane was scheduled to return to Los Angeles on American Airlines Flight 11 from Boston, Massachusetts, after delivering a keynote speech at his alma mater. MacFarlane has stated his travel agent gave him an incorrect departure time (8:15 a.m. instead of 7:45 a.m.) and that he was suffering from a hangover from the previous night’s celebrations. As a result, he arrived at Logan International Airport sometime around 7:30 and was unable to board the flight. Fifteen minutes after departure, American Airlines Flight 11 was hijacked, and at 8:46 a.m. was flown into the North Tower of the World Trade Center in New York City, with no survivors

There is obviously a reason why the good man upstairs spared Mr. MacFarlane a tragic fate on the most tragic day in US history. And it looks like his fate was to continue on as the Family Guy for quite some time. “I really can’t let it affect me because I’m a comedy writer,” claims Seth. “I have to put that in the back of my head.”

- Z

What’s your Dream Job? Making beer wouldn’t be so bad, eh?

Meet Egotv.com, a terrific website for us guys and new bestest buddies with PlanetZman! The site has all kinds of useful manly man stuff, including it’s own dedicated online mini-shows that are a hell lot of fun – and my new favorite is Tom Arnold Dream Jobs.

I’ve always really liked Tom Arnold’s humor, he’s a funny, down to earth guy and the perfect person to host this new show. In this episode, Tom visits Gordon Biersch, a Microbrewery in Burbank, California, that makes real German beer-garden style beers! It’s a true learning experience for all of us as the Head Brew Master shows us everything that goes into crafting a microbrewed beer.

Did you know that the complete cycle is five weeks to go from grain to glass? Hops, barley, water, and yeast is all you need to make a kick-ass brew and you’ll have fun seeing how it’s done – up close and personal! Damn it, guys, I wanna make some beer, too!

So click the link, watch the show, learn and enjoy!

CLICK HERE> Tom Arnold’s Dream Jobs – Microbrewing episode

- ZMAN

Billy Batts and Tommy DeVito have it out in Goodfellas. Damn, this scene is an absolute classic!

By Larry Winget

NY Times Best Selling author, Larry Winget is NEVER at a loss for words. And today, things aren’t any different. Buckle your chin strap and read on, my good people…

I want to make it clear from the start that this rant was inspired by Troy Simmons. He wrote me on Facebook with his comments that I have included below. It was so good that I suggested to him that he write more and put it out there somewhere but he said for me to run with it if I wanted to. So I am going to add a bit to what was already a great email he sent me, but I want to say thanks to Troy upfront for his inspiration.

From Troy: “It is my observation that there is a growing epidemic of excuses that I call the “Lazy Man’s Theory of Relativity.” Americans seem to continually measure their position or situation in relative terms that makes their lazy lifestyles appear more successful. Let me give a few examples: I am relatively thin compared to that fat guy; I’m relatively rich compared to that broke ass over there; I work relatively hard compared to the narcoleptic janitor; I’m a relatively great parent compared to that woman wearing the muumuu feeding her kid Twinkies for lunch; or the worst one—we are relatively free compared to people in other countries.

What has happened that has enabled us to give up on our ideals and settle for relative success or perfection? Why are we always on the search for that loser whose life sucks more than ours so we can remind ourselves how good we are doing. I can’t stand it when someone makes relative comparisons to make the current situation appear less painful or pathetic.”

That’s what Troy sent and I agree. What’s happened to us?

There is plenty that happened to us and I have written 6 books talking about most of it. However, I think that a good bit of the comparisons we make are based on our constantly being fed stupidity via the media. Since people on average watch about six hours of TV per day it’s easy to see how we buy into it or maybe we just absorb it like a sponge. I always tell folks that about the time that you think your life sucks, just flip over and watch an episode of Jerry Springer and you will see some folks whose lives REALLY suck! But it isn’t just good ol’ Jerry that serves up these idiots to us on a silver platter. It’s Supernanny and Nanny 911 showing us how pitiful people are as parents. Then it’s Wife Swap, that disgusting bit of voyeurism into the lives of horrible people and dysfunctional families who are need attention so much that they are willing to expose their stupid lives for all of the world to make fun of. Want to see some truly pitiful, needy people who have taken it mainstream?

Try watching The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. If my kid ever acted like any of these attention-whores I would smack them. Do people honestly think they are going to find their one true love by acting like these trashy women and idiotic narcissistic jerks act? They aren’t and only an idiot would put their sad life on television and be so shallow in their relationships. Or tune into Big Brother. Hell, even watch an old episode of Big Spender if you want to see some pitiful folks! Or if you want to really feel good about yourself tune into ten minutes of Toddlers and Tiaras. This horrible show about parents dressing their 2 and 3 years old like strippers to win a “beauty pageant” is without a doubt the most disgusting display of stupidity on the planet. Someone should horsewhip these stupid people and take their kids away from them before they screw them up beyond repair!

My point is this: We make these shows huge hits on television and tune in week after week in order to make ourselves feel better about our own lives. “I may not be doing so well but I’m not THAT bad!!!!” It’s not about how well you are doing relative to how badly others are doing. It is about how well you are doing based on how well you COULD be doing. If you have the ability to earn $250,000 a year yet you earn only $40,000 a year, you are a loser. Why? It’s not because you earn $40,000 a year believe me. It’s because you could be earning more and you aren’t. If you do your best and earn $40K per year, then I am fine with it. Or if you only earn $18K a year based on your honest to goodness best effort, that’s okay too. I don’t measure people by how much money they make so don’t jump on me about this, instead, pay attention to my point: You aren’t doing your best. You could earn more and you aren’t. Why aren’t you? Are you lazy? What’s your excuse?

I don’t care where you are in any area of your life, if you are doing your very best with the talents you have, then I will applaud you. If you aren’t, then I will say you are wasting your life being less than you could be, earning less than you could be, and you are cheating yourself, your family and the rest of us by not doing your best.

This is what I want you to do… Look at your life. Examine where you are financially, in your career, your health, your weight, your education and your relationships. You might even want to take some notes. That’s right, write down how you are doing so you will have it in black and white. Then ask yourself in each area if that is the best you could be doing. Write down your answer. A big fat YES or NO will do. Then ask yourself why? Only you can answer this one. Know why you aren’t doing your best. Get honest with yourself. Write this one down too so you will have it on paper in front of you. Tell yourself exactly why you aren’t willing to give it all you’ve got. Pay attention to that last sentence where I say, “why you aren’t willing” because that is what it comes down to. It is about whether you are willing to do what you know it takes to be your best. And know that if you aren’t doing your best it’s simply because you are not willing to do it. Stop looking at the idiots out there comparing your actions and results to theirs.

Stop living the Lazy Man’s Theory Of Relativity. It’s about your current performance relative to your personal best potential performance! Oh yeah, and stop watching so many stupid people on television.

My last big pitch for my new book, No Time For Tact: 365 Days of the Wit, Words, and Wisdom of Larry Winget

My new book is now available at all of the online bookstores and at your local bookstore. You can buy it online for less than $14 bucks even! It is one thought per day based on the very best stuff, hand-selected by me from my other books. It is a daily calendar book that gives you a daily kick in the butt to move you from where you are to a better place. Each page features a dose of wisdom, an inspiring idea, a rant, or just a good ol’ hilarious thought on a variety of topics including career, family, personal finance, parenting, personal development and business.

If you have already bought the book, please leave a review of the book at your favorite online store. Just go to: http://www.larrywinget.com/notime.html

And of course make sure to visit Larry’s website: www.larrywinget.com

PART 5 in a weekly 6 PART mini-series here on Planet Zman, entitled: Great Actors, Great Acting

I ask you, what would the bad-guy list be without the late Johnny Sack’s number two man in the NY crime family, the always malevolent, Phil Leotardo (played by my pal, Frankie Vincent). I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Frank for the cover story in the 2006 Winter issue of the national publication, Cigar Magazine™. I flat out told the Jersey City native that I loathed him to no end on the show. He takes that as quite a compliment because it means he’s doing his job well. But when I asked him how he turns it on to become such an evil, heartless prick, the answer was terrific. He says it’s in all the writing. When Vito was surprised by Phil and his goons in the hotel room, they duct taped him and knelt him on the floor as Leotardo sat at the edge of the bed. He looked into the homosexual mobster’s frightened eyes and simply said, “You’re a fuckin’ disgrace.” Frank’s point is that when you’re in that kind of setting, and you utter those life damning words, how else can he sound but evil and heartless? He claims that the writing by Chase and his team is so good, so tight, that all you have to do is say the lines and the character becomes who he was intended to be – and in Frank’s case, a real “rompipalle,” a ball breaker that you love to hate.

Great characters only work if there are great scripts, and with this show there are none better. On the verge of the 80th episode, I surfed through hbo.com and reflected on what I consider to be some of my favorite, as well as the most griping episodes. Number one on mine, and many fans lists is episode 37, from season 3, entitled Pine Barrens. How do you lose a Russian goliath in the deep snowy woods after he’s been beaten and shot in the head? And, other than Paulie’s shoe, that’s not all that was lost. Chris and Mr. Walnuts are astray in the forest, and as nightfall approaches the thought of dying in the cold is a real threat. The arguing is comical as they bed down in an abandoned van and suck on ketchup packets for energy. The scenes were so well done, the acting so superb, I myself was freezing to death right along with those two skibotz’s. By far, in one of the funniest exchanges of dialogue in any episode, Paulie tells Tony on the phone that they are lost and the Russian got away. Tony warns him, “The guy you’re looking for is an ex-commando. He killed sixteen Chechnyan rebels single-handed – he’s with the Interior Ministry.” When Paulie repeats the info back to Chris he says, “He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians… the guy was an interior decorator.” Chris, obviously confused, shrugs his shoulders and says, “His house looked like shit!”

Obviously, there are too many to mention I have to give kudos to a chosen few. Episode 30 in season 3, entitled: Employee of the Month, was centered on the rape of Jennifer Melfi. As the attack was brutally depicted, I remember sitting there with tears streaming from my eyes and my heart pounding through my rib cage. I actually couldn’t talk for several moments. More gripping drama, I have never seen. Melfi knows if she tells Tony what happened, her assailant will be removed from the world quicker and bloodier than he originally arrived in. But her conscience will not go to the dark side, and even though Tony presses, she keeps the event to herself. In season 4, Who Ever Did This, features a saddened Anthony who beats Ralphie to a bloodied pulp because of the death of Pie Oh My, in perhaps the most intense fight scene over the eight years. Season 5, Irregular Around the Margins is where Tony and Adrianna almost make a connection, and he flips his SUV in the wee hours of the morning. Chris, believing that Tony shtooped his fiancé, threatens him in a drunken rage and is dragged down a back road and almost executed if not for the quick thinking of cousin Tony Blundetto. While Big T. held his gun to his nephew’s skull, I’m pretty sure I lost my bodily functions at that very moment. Then there was White Caps, from season 4, where Tony buys Carm a beach house, but his ex-goomara, that little Rooskie minx, Irina, puts on the kibosh as she calls Carmella and tells her of their affair. The acting and the exchange between Carm and Tony was perhaps the finest I have ever seen. The screaming, the crying, and Tony putting his fist through the wall… man oh man, I get goose bumps just remembering it.

Stay tuned for PART 6: Onion Rings and the Final Curtain.

PART 3 in a weekly 6 PART mini-series exclusively here on Planet Zman, entitled: JERSEY’S FINEST

The much-maligned state of New Jersey is often the brunt of many a comedian’s off-color jokes. But The Sopranos has brought a new and interesting sense of pride to the Garden State. I personally happen to be half Italian on my mother’s side, and have lived all my life in northern New Jersey. I know all of the show’s landmarks and have even frequented the Bada Bing (actually known as Satin Dolls, on Rt. 17 in Lodi.) When you live in this area, you learn to recognize that when streets are closed, traffic is diverted, light towers are up, and large production trucks surround the grounds, The Sopranos are shooting a scene.

Sure, it’s very cool and most of us paisans are thrilled to be a part of it all, but there are those who have been vocally opposed to the series from its outset. There are groups who have been quite vocal about the show’s depiction of Italian Americans as degenerates, thugs, and murderers. They claim it’s a disgrace to true Italian heritage and culture. But to them I say “Hey faccia di culo…fanabla!” The Sopranos, like The Godfather, Goodfellas, and other Mafioso themed movies, while they are deemed as fictional entertainment, are also based on certain ethnic truths. Mario Puzo, Martin Scorsese, and David Chase didn’t fabricate the Italian mafia. Do you think it would work if the name of the show were the Dombrowskis – a fictional Polish crime family who gathers for kielbasa and pierogies instead of macaroni and gravy… is run by Stanley, Stosh, Boleslaw, and Krzysztof… and threatens to break their own legs while the guy who owes them money looks on in horror? (Oh yeah, the other half of me is Polish, so no hate mail.)

The HBO series, which first aired in January of 1999, has become the most prolific drama in the history of television. In TV Guide’s list of the 50 Greatest Shows All-time, The Sopranos ranks number five, behind four legendary comedies: 1. Seinfeld, 2. Lucy, 3. The Honeymooners, and 4. All in the Family. It’s the highest rated cable series ever, and the only cable-show to win the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series. The real Soprano boss, David Chase, didn’t even intend the pilot to become a series. After years of producing hit shows like the Rockford Files and Northern Exposure, the NJ native wanted to get into movies. And, other networks were actually approached before HBO. FOX was originally going to air the show, which was going to be known as Made in Jersey. But, from what I’ve read and heard, the network didn’t have le palle – the balls to deal with the vulgarity and violent subject matter. HBO welcomed Chase with open arms, and most importantly granted him 100% creative control of the show. Not even a single word in the script gets changed without the boss man’s permission.

See us next week for PART 4 in our continuing 6 part Series, entitled: CHARACTER ASSASSINS

PART 4 in a weekly 6 PART mini-series exclusively here on Planet Zman, entitled: Character Assassins

Great character development has always been critical to this show, but Chase will be the first one to say that’s it’s the actors that make them who they are. And, like in real life, he mixes it up with multiple character types; some you love, some you loathe, and then there are the schmucks who always seem to get shit on. Chase admits that he couldn’t conceive anyone else in this world other than James Gandolfini as Anthony Soprano, and who could possibly argue that? He’s the manic-depressive, yet lovable Don, who can swing a mighty right hook and a mean chain of sausage links. Tony could shove a guy’s head in a meat grinder, then five minutes later hand Carmella a big bouquet of flowers (D.N.A. still fresh on his mitts) and we instantly forgive the lug.

Sil, Chris and Paulie may be hardened criminals – but if only we could hang with them for a couple of fun-filled days. Dr. Jennifer Melfi has been Tony’s saving grace lo these many years. She’s an innately good person who possesses a great sense of balance and a nice set of gams. But the Soprano relationship has opened up deep scars in her own personal life, leaving us all to ask the important question: “And, how does that make you feel?” And who could forget our favorite Naples import, the pony-tailed tough-guy, Furio Giunta. Not only did he make a mean Buffalo Mozzarella, but he came oh so close to filling Carmella’s cannoli. Oofah!

Then there are the schmucks – the sappy characters that can’t help but being anything but annoying douche bags. Father Phil – now there’s a real fart bag. He mooches gourmet meals for free as he swoons the mob wives with theological mumbo jumbo, and once, while in a liquored-up stupor, almost adulterated himself with none other than Carmella. Meadow’s ex-beau Finn was a highbrow ass-wipe who snubbed his nose at her inconceivable background. Little Carmine couldn’t run the fucking dishwasher, let alone a New York organized crime family. And of course, least we forget Artie Bucco, restaurateur, and Tony’s childhood pal. Artie sure makes a great veal saltimbocca, but he’s a drip of a husband, a lousy businessman, and one boring and inane conversationalist. The poor bastard has gotten beat by several shysters, but always comes back for more. Stunad!

On the flip side, there are characters that have caused you and me to curse at our screens with seething animus. The top of the list starts with none other than Livia Soprano, the mom who was as much fun to be around as an undertaker on oxycotton. The original Debbie Downer, this frau could have made Santa Claus want to smother her in her sleep. Of course, her daughter Janice benefited from all that childhood nurturing and unconditional love…NOT! I think more people want Janice to get whacked than anyone else on the show. Then there was Richie Aprille – just a no good, evil piece of garbage – an angry misfit that couldn’t even fit in with the Mafia, for crissakes. Tell me you weren’t dishin’ out the high fives when Janice popped a cap in his ass. Of course, young AJ has zero respect for others and even less for himself. And, what about Ralphie Cifaretto, remember that cockroach? He set fire to the barn that killed his and Tony’s beloved racehorse, Pie Oh My. I think he looked his personal best when his severed head was stuck into a bowling ball bag.

PARTS 1 & 2 of a weekly 6 PART mini-series exclusively here on Planet Zman.

ADMITTING YOU’RE AN ADDICT

Good Lord in Heaven, this family is an abomination – a psychologically disturbed, ethically bankrupt, spiritually void gene pool. To put it more in their terms – they are essere fottuto – all fucked up! But, YOU are nothing like this in any way – yet, you’re infatuated beyond reason. You are obsessed with the lives of these people and you love them unconditionally as if they were of your own flesh and blood. Several times during the day on Sunday, you would think to yourself, “Sopranos on tonight.” And when nine o’clock hit, that magical, hypnotic theme song by the band A3 began to play… Bum, ba bum, bum, bum, wa wa wa…”Woke up this morning and got your self a gun…” Like one of Pavlov’s dogs, you propped up in front of the TV in a semi-lathered state as Tony drives through to the Jersey side of the Lincoln Tunnel, lighting his cigar, pulling the Turnpike ticket from the booth, cruising past, Pizzaland, Satriale’s Pork Store, and the rows of refinery tanks in lovely Newark. For the next 60 minutes, YOU were a full-fledged, blood sworn Soprano.

Guess what, ya stunad? You ain’t alone. Millions of people across the world have this same obsessive dependency, including me. There has always been something notoriously magical about the existence of true-to-life gangsters. It’s this “us vs. them” mentality, where the boundary lines between good and evil become eroded, and life is lived through one’s fight or flight reflexes, alone. Similar to the codes of the Wild West, you want to be the last man standing and you never turn your back. Series creator David Chase is a huge fan and student of the Godfather films as well as Goodfellas, four of the greatest mob flicks ever made. The Sopranos borrows from those time period pieces, bringing the Mafia lifestyle into today’s world, a world you and I can relate to, a world where the pendulum swing of emotions can hit the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, all within a single one hour episode.

There is no arguing that Chase is a brilliant storyteller and has taken us all on a rollercoaster ride that we’ll never soon forget. But the reason we have this innate bond for his characters, this obsessive compulsion to root for these individuals, is because he’s made them real people with real foibles and phobias. They may be Mafioso by day, but by night they return to their true families and face everyday issues like running a home, raising their kids, investing, paying taxes, dealing with prejudice, and caring for their health. In the past, mobsters were bigger than life as they gunned down their enemies in a blaze of bullets and fire on the silver screen. Tony Soprano visits his son’s guidance counselor, hosts family barbecues, protects his loved ones from a recurring black bear, and drives his daughter to visit a quaint New England college. (But of course while Meadow is visiting the campus, he crosses paths with an ex-mobster in the witness protection program who ratted, and Tony brutally strangles him with his bare hands. (Now that’s what I call killing time.)

PART 1: GETTING A GRIP

Many months have passed since you thought your cable went out, as Tony was eating onion rings with Carmella. The screen went black and you went berserk. But when you found out that was the REAL ending, then you really went berserk. You never had any closure – none of us did – But I know deep down that you’ve missed those lovable Jersey sociopaths something terrible. Sunday night television just isn’t the same without them. So the Zman is stepping in here for Dr. Melfi to help you understand your bizarre fascination with these scoundrels.

Admit it – they are thieves, bullies, thugs, con men, cheaters, philanderers, alcoholics, drug dealers, and ruthless, cold-hearted murdering psychopaths…yet, you loved them. Admit it… it’s OK… you loved them. They ploted and schemed, doing everything imaginable that is against the law – but you rooted for them at every turn. When the first Episode of season three had the FBI bugging the Sopranos household, you were furious at the Feds for invading the family’s privacy. And you were elated when daughter Meadow reached for that crappy old lamp in the basement to take to school – the one that held the hidden microphone – the one planted smack dab in the middle of Tony’s secret goomba meeting place.

What the hell is wrong with you? You’re a good law abiding person who treats the world fairly and works hard for a living. So, you have a few little vices – a football pool here, a Cuban cigar there, a little cash you’re hiding from Uncle Sam perhaps, but nothing that would get you twenty-to-life in the state pen. But for eight years you were enamored with the exploits of Tony, Silvio, Christopher, and Paulie; four bosses of an Italian organized crime family in northern New Jersey, whose IRS 1099 form claims that they worked in waste management. Every Sunday night for seven seasons at 9pm, their family became your family.

The Sopranos are quite simply the ultimate poster people for dysfunctional family hell. Tony suffers from panic attacks triggered by childhood memories of prosciutto, soprasetta, and mortadella. Even his very own mother and uncle plotted to have him brutally whacked. He sees a female shrink in order to understand and cope with his stressful existence, yet every once in a while he gets that Cro-Magnon urge to go beyond the normal “doctor / client” privileges. He’s an unfaithful husband who was once told by his nephew, “Everybody knows you been the biggest fuckin’ cooze hound around the last four or five years. Your mid-life crisis…You’d fuck a catcher’s mitt.” His wife Carmella knows, like every made-man’s wife knows, her hubby has a goomara (pronounced goo-mod). The literal Italian translation actually means godmother, but the real meaning of course, is a a piece of ass on the side – una bella fica, una fica pronta. And, Tony has had a harem full, in every age and ethnicity. Carm is a very sweet lady, a loving mother, and looks great for her age. She has a gorgeous home, beautiful clothes, and all of the accoutrements. But she lives a huge lie everyday of her life, and she knows it. She tries to justify it in her mind, and asks the good Lord for forgiveness, but there is no escaping her fate.

Carmella Soprano is the wife of a mob boss and nothing can ever change that. And her hands are more than full with her figlio di una puta – son-of-bitch child, Anthony Junior; a defiant little prick who is only good at several things: causing trouble, fucking up, and extreme failure. His sister, Meadow, is quite the opposite; she attends Columbia University and has high aspirations. But she’s dated some profound losers and is quite averse to being a member of family who frequently appears on the local news, – and mind you, not for their accolades or philanthropy towards society. Tony’s nephew Chris is the heir apparent to the throne. But his addictions for alcohol, slutty broads, and dangerous narcotics are a triple play to hell’s gates just waiting to happen. Sister Janice is a groveling, conniving pig that pawns and leeches at every scrap and crumb she can get. And Uncle Junior, a one time leg breaker and boss of the Jersey operations, has succumbed to mental illness, causing him to shoot his brother’s only son, Tony, in the stomach at point blank range.

Join us next week for PART 3 (of our 6 part series) entitled: Jersey’s Finest