PART 5 in a weekly 6 PART mini-series here on Planet Zman, entitled: Great Actors, Great Acting

I ask you, what would the bad-guy list be without the late Johnny Sack’s number two man in the NY crime family, the always malevolent, Phil Leotardo (played by my pal, Frankie Vincent). I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Frank for the cover story in the 2006 Winter issue of the national publication, Cigar Magazine™. I flat out told the Jersey City native that I loathed him to no end on the show. He takes that as quite a compliment because it means he’s doing his job well. But when I asked him how he turns it on to become such an evil, heartless prick, the answer was terrific. He says it’s in all the writing. When Vito was surprised by Phil and his goons in the hotel room, they duct taped him and knelt him on the floor as Leotardo sat at the edge of the bed. He looked into the homosexual mobster’s frightened eyes and simply said, “You’re a fuckin’ disgrace.” Frank’s point is that when you’re in that kind of setting, and you utter those life damning words, how else can he sound but evil and heartless? He claims that the writing by Chase and his team is so good, so tight, that all you have to do is say the lines and the character becomes who he was intended to be – and in Frank’s case, a real “rompipalle,” a ball breaker that you love to hate.

Great characters only work if there are great scripts, and with this show there are none better. On the verge of the 80th episode, I surfed through hbo.com and reflected on what I consider to be some of my favorite, as well as the most griping episodes. Number one on mine, and many fans lists is episode 37, from season 3, entitled Pine Barrens. How do you lose a Russian goliath in the deep snowy woods after he’s been beaten and shot in the head? And, other than Paulie’s shoe, that’s not all that was lost. Chris and Mr. Walnuts are astray in the forest, and as nightfall approaches the thought of dying in the cold is a real threat. The arguing is comical as they bed down in an abandoned van and suck on ketchup packets for energy. The scenes were so well done, the acting so superb, I myself was freezing to death right along with those two skibotz’s. By far, in one of the funniest exchanges of dialogue in any episode, Paulie tells Tony on the phone that they are lost and the Russian got away. Tony warns him, “The guy you’re looking for is an ex-commando. He killed sixteen Chechnyan rebels single-handed – he’s with the Interior Ministry.” When Paulie repeats the info back to Chris he says, “He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians… the guy was an interior decorator.” Chris, obviously confused, shrugs his shoulders and says, “His house looked like shit!”

Obviously, there are too many to mention I have to give kudos to a chosen few. Episode 30 in season 3, entitled: Employee of the Month, was centered on the rape of Jennifer Melfi. As the attack was brutally depicted, I remember sitting there with tears streaming from my eyes and my heart pounding through my rib cage. I actually couldn’t talk for several moments. More gripping drama, I have never seen. Melfi knows if she tells Tony what happened, her assailant will be removed from the world quicker and bloodier than he originally arrived in. But her conscience will not go to the dark side, and even though Tony presses, she keeps the event to herself. In season 4, Who Ever Did This, features a saddened Anthony who beats Ralphie to a bloodied pulp because of the death of Pie Oh My, in perhaps the most intense fight scene over the eight years. Season 5, Irregular Around the Margins is where Tony and Adrianna almost make a connection, and he flips his SUV in the wee hours of the morning. Chris, believing that Tony shtooped his fiancé, threatens him in a drunken rage and is dragged down a back road and almost executed if not for the quick thinking of cousin Tony Blundetto. While Big T. held his gun to his nephew’s skull, I’m pretty sure I lost my bodily functions at that very moment. Then there was White Caps, from season 4, where Tony buys Carm a beach house, but his ex-goomara, that little Rooskie minx, Irina, puts on the kibosh as she calls Carmella and tells her of their affair. The acting and the exchange between Carm and Tony was perhaps the finest I have ever seen. The screaming, the crying, and Tony putting his fist through the wall… man oh man, I get goose bumps just remembering it.

Stay tuned for PART 6: Onion Rings and the Final Curtain.

PART 4 in a weekly 6 PART mini-series exclusively here on Planet Zman, entitled: Character Assassins

Great character development has always been critical to this show, but Chase will be the first one to say that’s it’s the actors that make them who they are. And, like in real life, he mixes it up with multiple character types; some you love, some you loathe, and then there are the schmucks who always seem to get shit on. Chase admits that he couldn’t conceive anyone else in this world other than James Gandolfini as Anthony Soprano, and who could possibly argue that? He’s the manic-depressive, yet lovable Don, who can swing a mighty right hook and a mean chain of sausage links. Tony could shove a guy’s head in a meat grinder, then five minutes later hand Carmella a big bouquet of flowers (D.N.A. still fresh on his mitts) and we instantly forgive the lug.

Sil, Chris and Paulie may be hardened criminals – but if only we could hang with them for a couple of fun-filled days. Dr. Jennifer Melfi has been Tony’s saving grace lo these many years. She’s an innately good person who possesses a great sense of balance and a nice set of gams. But the Soprano relationship has opened up deep scars in her own personal life, leaving us all to ask the important question: “And, how does that make you feel?” And who could forget our favorite Naples import, the pony-tailed tough-guy, Furio Giunta. Not only did he make a mean Buffalo Mozzarella, but he came oh so close to filling Carmella’s cannoli. Oofah!

Then there are the schmucks – the sappy characters that can’t help but being anything but annoying douche bags. Father Phil – now there’s a real fart bag. He mooches gourmet meals for free as he swoons the mob wives with theological mumbo jumbo, and once, while in a liquored-up stupor, almost adulterated himself with none other than Carmella. Meadow’s ex-beau Finn was a highbrow ass-wipe who snubbed his nose at her inconceivable background. Little Carmine couldn’t run the fucking dishwasher, let alone a New York organized crime family. And of course, least we forget Artie Bucco, restaurateur, and Tony’s childhood pal. Artie sure makes a great veal saltimbocca, but he’s a drip of a husband, a lousy businessman, and one boring and inane conversationalist. The poor bastard has gotten beat by several shysters, but always comes back for more. Stunad!

On the flip side, there are characters that have caused you and me to curse at our screens with seething animus. The top of the list starts with none other than Livia Soprano, the mom who was as much fun to be around as an undertaker on oxycotton. The original Debbie Downer, this frau could have made Santa Claus want to smother her in her sleep. Of course, her daughter Janice benefited from all that childhood nurturing and unconditional love…NOT! I think more people want Janice to get whacked than anyone else on the show. Then there was Richie Aprille – just a no good, evil piece of garbage – an angry misfit that couldn’t even fit in with the Mafia, for crissakes. Tell me you weren’t dishin’ out the high fives when Janice popped a cap in his ass. Of course, young AJ has zero respect for others and even less for himself. And, what about Ralphie Cifaretto, remember that cockroach? He set fire to the barn that killed his and Tony’s beloved racehorse, Pie Oh My. I think he looked his personal best when his severed head was stuck into a bowling ball bag.

PARTS 1 & 2 of a weekly 6 PART mini-series exclusively here on Planet Zman.

ADMITTING YOU’RE AN ADDICT

Good Lord in Heaven, this family is an abomination – a psychologically disturbed, ethically bankrupt, spiritually void gene pool. To put it more in their terms – they are essere fottuto – all fucked up! But, YOU are nothing like this in any way – yet, you’re infatuated beyond reason. You are obsessed with the lives of these people and you love them unconditionally as if they were of your own flesh and blood. Several times during the day on Sunday, you would think to yourself, “Sopranos on tonight.” And when nine o’clock hit, that magical, hypnotic theme song by the band A3 began to play… Bum, ba bum, bum, bum, wa wa wa…”Woke up this morning and got your self a gun…” Like one of Pavlov’s dogs, you propped up in front of the TV in a semi-lathered state as Tony drives through to the Jersey side of the Lincoln Tunnel, lighting his cigar, pulling the Turnpike ticket from the booth, cruising past, Pizzaland, Satriale’s Pork Store, and the rows of refinery tanks in lovely Newark. For the next 60 minutes, YOU were a full-fledged, blood sworn Soprano.

Guess what, ya stunad? You ain’t alone. Millions of people across the world have this same obsessive dependency, including me. There has always been something notoriously magical about the existence of true-to-life gangsters. It’s this “us vs. them” mentality, where the boundary lines between good and evil become eroded, and life is lived through one’s fight or flight reflexes, alone. Similar to the codes of the Wild West, you want to be the last man standing and you never turn your back. Series creator David Chase is a huge fan and student of the Godfather films as well as Goodfellas, four of the greatest mob flicks ever made. The Sopranos borrows from those time period pieces, bringing the Mafia lifestyle into today’s world, a world you and I can relate to, a world where the pendulum swing of emotions can hit the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, all within a single one hour episode.

There is no arguing that Chase is a brilliant storyteller and has taken us all on a rollercoaster ride that we’ll never soon forget. But the reason we have this innate bond for his characters, this obsessive compulsion to root for these individuals, is because he’s made them real people with real foibles and phobias. They may be Mafioso by day, but by night they return to their true families and face everyday issues like running a home, raising their kids, investing, paying taxes, dealing with prejudice, and caring for their health. In the past, mobsters were bigger than life as they gunned down their enemies in a blaze of bullets and fire on the silver screen. Tony Soprano visits his son’s guidance counselor, hosts family barbecues, protects his loved ones from a recurring black bear, and drives his daughter to visit a quaint New England college. (But of course while Meadow is visiting the campus, he crosses paths with an ex-mobster in the witness protection program who ratted, and Tony brutally strangles him with his bare hands. (Now that’s what I call killing time.)

PART 1: GETTING A GRIP

Many months have passed since you thought your cable went out, as Tony was eating onion rings with Carmella. The screen went black and you went berserk. But when you found out that was the REAL ending, then you really went berserk. You never had any closure – none of us did – But I know deep down that you’ve missed those lovable Jersey sociopaths something terrible. Sunday night television just isn’t the same without them. So the Zman is stepping in here for Dr. Melfi to help you understand your bizarre fascination with these scoundrels.

Admit it – they are thieves, bullies, thugs, con men, cheaters, philanderers, alcoholics, drug dealers, and ruthless, cold-hearted murdering psychopaths…yet, you loved them. Admit it… it’s OK… you loved them. They ploted and schemed, doing everything imaginable that is against the law – but you rooted for them at every turn. When the first Episode of season three had the FBI bugging the Sopranos household, you were furious at the Feds for invading the family’s privacy. And you were elated when daughter Meadow reached for that crappy old lamp in the basement to take to school – the one that held the hidden microphone – the one planted smack dab in the middle of Tony’s secret goomba meeting place.

What the hell is wrong with you? You’re a good law abiding person who treats the world fairly and works hard for a living. So, you have a few little vices – a football pool here, a Cuban cigar there, a little cash you’re hiding from Uncle Sam perhaps, but nothing that would get you twenty-to-life in the state pen. But for eight years you were enamored with the exploits of Tony, Silvio, Christopher, and Paulie; four bosses of an Italian organized crime family in northern New Jersey, whose IRS 1099 form claims that they worked in waste management. Every Sunday night for seven seasons at 9pm, their family became your family.

The Sopranos are quite simply the ultimate poster people for dysfunctional family hell. Tony suffers from panic attacks triggered by childhood memories of prosciutto, soprasetta, and mortadella. Even his very own mother and uncle plotted to have him brutally whacked. He sees a female shrink in order to understand and cope with his stressful existence, yet every once in a while he gets that Cro-Magnon urge to go beyond the normal “doctor / client” privileges. He’s an unfaithful husband who was once told by his nephew, “Everybody knows you been the biggest fuckin’ cooze hound around the last four or five years. Your mid-life crisis…You’d fuck a catcher’s mitt.” His wife Carmella knows, like every made-man’s wife knows, her hubby has a goomara (pronounced goo-mod). The literal Italian translation actually means godmother, but the real meaning of course, is a a piece of ass on the side – una bella fica, una fica pronta. And, Tony has had a harem full, in every age and ethnicity. Carm is a very sweet lady, a loving mother, and looks great for her age. She has a gorgeous home, beautiful clothes, and all of the accoutrements. But she lives a huge lie everyday of her life, and she knows it. She tries to justify it in her mind, and asks the good Lord for forgiveness, but there is no escaping her fate.

Carmella Soprano is the wife of a mob boss and nothing can ever change that. And her hands are more than full with her figlio di una puta – son-of-bitch child, Anthony Junior; a defiant little prick who is only good at several things: causing trouble, fucking up, and extreme failure. His sister, Meadow, is quite the opposite; she attends Columbia University and has high aspirations. But she’s dated some profound losers and is quite averse to being a member of family who frequently appears on the local news, – and mind you, not for their accolades or philanthropy towards society. Tony’s nephew Chris is the heir apparent to the throne. But his addictions for alcohol, slutty broads, and dangerous narcotics are a triple play to hell’s gates just waiting to happen. Sister Janice is a groveling, conniving pig that pawns and leeches at every scrap and crumb she can get. And Uncle Junior, a one time leg breaker and boss of the Jersey operations, has succumbed to mental illness, causing him to shoot his brother’s only son, Tony, in the stomach at point blank range.

Join us next week for PART 3 (of our 6 part series) entitled: Jersey’s Finest