For various reasons, erectile dysfunction or E.D. is a real issue for many guys and is nothing to poke fun at. The three pharmaceutical competitors are of course Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra – and then there’s Enzyte with spokesman Smilin’ Bob, the stiff negotiator who has come under some lengthy investigations by regulators for truth in advertising. Over the past ten years or so, these companies have banged the television viewing audience with a marketing blitz, trying to convince the male populous that their little magic pill stands firm above the rest.

Now, fortunately, I’m not yanking your chain when I say that I have an ample supply of lead in my pencil and have not found the need to evaluate these products. But for those who truly require the help, it certainly is a great thing. An older friend of mine said the first time he took Viagra, he was harder than a calculus exam, and it lasted around six hours. I believe he hung laundry from it for a while.

My evaluation of these products is from a marketing/brand-positioning standpoint. I think the first thing I would address as the head of creative for these firms is a name change that lets you know what the product does. I mean, what kind of deep-rooted, emotional or visual connections do the names Cialis or Levitra conjure up for you? The answer is: nothing. So, I propose a series of names that the prospective customer can really wrap his hands around. I ask you to review the following list and let me know which ones you feel I should submit to industry. OK, here we go – Zman’s trademarked, new brand name suggestions…

The Big Salute™, Hammer Time™, Long Fellow™ (With deference to Henry Wadsworth), Bush Wacker™, Hang Time™, Big Bopper™ (May need clearance from the J.P. Richardson estate), Feelin’ Cocky™, Evil Dictator™, Straight Man™, Power Tool™, Night Stick™, Smoke Stack™, Heads Up™, Straight Shooter™, The Big Gulp™ (7-11 will challenge me here), Erect Deposit™, Here Kitty, Kitty™, The Clint Eastwood inspired Hang ‘Em High : ™, Big Bent™, and my personal fave: Bone Appétit™. (Oh yeah, and don’t forget the all-important tag line: “A good man is hard to find – but a hard man is good to find.”)

But, I Do Have A Bone to Pick With the Advertisers

This weekend we had a rare family moment in the Z house where all of us were watching TV together like a real close-knit bunch. During the show a commercial comes on for the little blue pill. Now these ads are always pretty discreet and it flies over the kiddies heads. (Except for those goddamned Enzyte commercials with Smilin’ Bob, who’s walking around with a trouser rocket all day long. He don’t say much but he sure carries a big stick. And Mrs. Bob has quite the toothy grin going – and a slight limp I believe as well.) The Viagra commercial shows a somewhat handsome dude looking to be in his late-40’s, early 50’s, cutting the rug on the dance floor with his hottie cougar mama. He’s got that face on that speaks confidence – he knows the little blue wonder has ol’ sparkry raring for a ride through the tunnel of love. (Jezuz Ka-ryst, can I possibly use any more innuendos?) A banner with type comes across the screen and reads – Don’t let ED (eee dee) get in the way. My 13 year-old boy Tommy asks, “Hey dad, who’s Ed and why is he in the way?” DOH! Well, my 17 year-old daughter gets a smirk on her face which she conveniently buries into the pages of her Cosmo-Girl magazine. But my wife let’s out a dumb-ass chuckle and says, “Yeah, dad, who’s the Ed guy they’re talking about?”

Thankfully Dad doesn’t associate with Ed and has no use for his lil’ blue friend. Daddy’s a big, viral cigar-smoking stud of a man who still salutes old glory each morning – thank you. But it’s at a point with these commercials that even though they are discreet, they air them in prime time and you really don’t want your teen wondering if dad still has some grease left in the old sprocket. The Cialis commercials say , “You can have the option of being ready fast, or have up to 36 hours to relax and take your time.” Again, I don’t want to have to explain this crap. “Yeah, kids, ya see, Daddy’s grenade launcher can be up and ready to fire in half an hour, but sometimes your Mommy needs a day and a half to get combat ready.”

The new ED commercials aren’t so bad compared to those Summer’s Eve douche commercials some twenty years back – but like I said, there’s no need for your kids to be wondering if Dad flies a Stealth bomber or a WW1 bi-plane, retired out to crop dusting. As much as an overt whack-job as I am, some things still need to be held private (and that includes holding my privates.). As long as it doesn’t get to a point where they start airing for-real commercials like the famed parody from Saturday Nite Live, Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice. I remember laughing hysterically as I was duped into thinking it was a real E.D. spot. And the clincher was the last line from the voiceover who said, “If your erection happens to last more than 24 hours – well, call a friend and brag about it.” If the great Gilda Radner were still alive today, there’s no doubt Emily Latella would have asked the all important question: “What’s all this fuss I keep hearing about reptile dysfunction?”

Yours in good standing,
- Tommy Z