TOMMY Z thinks he’s a guru, so humor the polack bastid & check out his picks…

For many of us in desperate need of a real life, the new year doesn’t begin on January 1, but instead, opening day of our team’s National Football League season. Thursday, September 4, the new campaign kicked off with the reining Super Bowl Champion New York Giants knocking around the “new look” but lowly Washington Redskins. I don’t hide the fact that I’m a longtime Giants fan and am still pinching myself in obscure places over New York’s post-season run that saw them defeat four first place teams, all on the road – including, let’s not forget, the 18 – 0, undefeated New England Patriots. The new season brings about renewed excitement, fantasy drafts, pools, and illegal gambling everywhere across the U.S. and Canada – and trust me, our neighbors to the north crave NFL madness too!

The following are the Zman’s predictions for this 2008 season and I stand firmly behind my prognosticating prowess. No, that’s not an obscene term you doofus, it means I’m pretty friggin’ good at picking this crappola. Last January I went live on XM 202 Satellite radio and bet my hair – that’s right, a head shaving bet – and took the Giants, with no point spread – to beat New England outright. It took steel cojones and a lot of prayer to various saints and what not, but hey, I’m good like that.

So without further adieu, here are my picks that will piss off many (especially you Giants hating mutants) while others smile with delight. I’m smiling right now, but I have bad gas, which people often blame on my heritage.

NFC EAST

1. NEW YORK GIANTS
2. DALLAS COWBOYS
3. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
4. WASHINGTON RED SKINS

This just might be the best the East has looked in a very long time. It’s a physically brutal division where all four teams despise each other – including their fans. And if you’re Dallas, well, then everybody else hates you. And of course Dallas is the trendy pick this year but New York is the third youngest team in the league and Eli Manning has a lot to prove since he hoisted the hardware back in February – and he’s also got a healthy Plaxico Buress for the first time, a monster in the backfield named Jacobs, and one of the finest front lines in the game. The G-men have changed a bit with the retirement of Michael Strahan, the trading of Jeremy Shockey, and the season ending injury to Pro Bowler, Osi Umenyiora. They still have a nasty pass rush and the ability to smother the opposition’s running game each week. Of course I’m an admitted homer so I’m picking the Giants to win the East and all I’ve gotta say is talk to me in January, baby.

As much as I dislike the Cowboys, I’m not stupid and realize they have a great team and maybe the best front line in the game – and Tony Romo will continue to improve because of it. They have a lot of talent – 13 Pro Bowlers – and a very balanced attack on both sides of the ball. They also still have Terrell Owens, which can help or kill you – only our Lord and maker above knows for sure. If that pretty boy passer with cow-chip eating grin can keep Little Miss Sugar Britches with the pink Romo jersey away from him – say, Thursday on, he should have a damned good season. The Cowboy/Jints games will be huge and they should have 25 wins between the two. Now the Eagles are still a fine team, damned smart coach, a star in Brian Westbrook, and a leader in Donavan McNab – but the dude can never stay healthy and besides that, he could use another weapon or two in order to challenge for the top. And, the D was at the bottom of the chart when it came to forcing turnovers in ’07. They will be close to a Wild Card. The Washington Redskins are going to turn new head coach Jim Zorn’s hair snow white by season’s end. The Skins are gonna suck like a Hoover and those transvestite hogs in the dresses are going to have their oversized panties in a bunch.

NFC NORTH

1. CHICAGO BEARS
2. GREEN BAY PACKERS
3. MINNESOTA VIKINGS
4. DETROIT LIONS

The North is a really tough call in ’08. With the loss of Brett Farve, Green Bay doesn’t know what they have for certain in Aaron Rodgers. In fact, all four teams biggest weakness may be at the QB position. The Vikings have an explosive weapon in Adrian Peterson, and fabulous lines on both sides of the ball, but still under achieved last year at 8 & 8. The Purple men are a trendy pick by many, but I think they’re week in a few areas – most of all at quarterback. The Packers are of course still a very good team, but the leadership factor of the vacant number four will be noticeable. Rodgers is under a huge microscope because attempting to replace a local God is not a flattering task for any mere mortal. The Pack’s run defense has gotten wafer thin and will cause problems. Surprisingly enough, my pick for first place are the Chicago Bears. I see a bounce back to two seasons ago and I think QB Kyle Orton will grow before your very eyes. But the big story is Devin Hester who is not only the best kick returner in football, but now a starting receiver and if Orton throws deep, Da Bears may shock the hell out of many a team. And I’m sorry Detroit fans, your Turkey day will be ruined yet once again because the Lions will blow like a ten-dollar hooker. Great receiving core but the defense was dismal last year and I just don’t see joy in Mo-Town… except if you’re a Red Wings fan.

NFC SOUTH

1. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
2. CAROLINA PANTHERS
3. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
4. ATLANTA FALCONS

The New Orleans Saints are a damned good club and will play at a higher level this year. Last season they dug themselves a 0-4 hole, but this team is better, smarter, and coach Sean Peyton is poised to bring his group into new territory. Drew Brees is a seasoned NFL QB – with the addition of tight end, Jeremy Shockey, and running backs like Deuce McAllister, Reggie Bush, and Pierre Thomas, and newly acquired Shaun Alexander, things could get pretty exciting on Bourbon Street. I look for the Saints to be one of the better teams the NFC has to offer. The Carolina Panthers have tinkered and retooled in a lot of areas and are stronger and better than before. Jake Delhomme with a new line, new receivers, and running backs who are very powerful could make things happy-happy joy-joy in the Carolinas again. Watch for Jonathan Stewart who was a stand out in the backfield at Oregon last year. I see Tampa dropping a couple of notches, mostly because of the rise in New Orleans and Carolina. They’re good, but not great. Earnest Graham rushed for almost 900 yards after Cadillac Williams went down but receivers Joey Galloway and Ike Hilliard are old by NFL standards and that silly-ass Disney-esque pirate ship may go light on the cannon balls this year. Oh yeah, the Atlanta Falcons suck real bad.

NFC WEST

1. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
2. ARIZONA CARDINALS
3. ST. LOUIS RAMS
4. SAN FRANSISCO 49ERS

The Seattle Seahawks have said bye to Shaun Alexander and bye-bye to an elite running game. Julius Jones is a capable back, but not quite what the fans in the great northwest are used to. But Matt Hasselback will still have an effective air game and the defense is very solid. The Hawks have won four straight division titles and I pick them again – but they have definitely dropped a notch. Plus, its coach Mike Holmgren’s final year so does that hurt of help? Down in Arizona, Kurt Warner once again has the starting job at QB. Now when Matt Leinart played at USC, I said he’d be a good NFL quarterback and I still believe that. Old Kurt is prone to injuries and I think that Leinart will move in and prove his worth. The Cardinals had big numbers in the passing department last season and aerial td’s. I see more of the same and I think the red birds will be crawling up the Seahawks ass. The St. Louis Rams were decimated by injuries last year and had the three wins to prove it. Yeah, they’ll be healthier and better, but they have a rough schedule. RB Steven Jackson needs to step it up. And the San Fran 49ers are my pick for the cellar dwellers with a soft offense that was dead last in the NFL last season. One bright spot: Linebacker Patrick Willis, the 2007 NFC R.O.Y.

AFC EAST

1. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
2. NEW YORK JETS
3. BUFFALO BILLS
4. MIAMI DOLPHINS

While the New England Patriots are still a big-name team, the Giants figured out how to beat them and San Diego should have taken them out in the playoffs. Tom Brady didn’t take one snap from center this pre-season but he’s ready to go for game one and the team will be firing on all cylinders. They lost Asante Samuel, Junior Seau, Randall Gay, and Dante Stallworth and will not be the unstoppable force from last year – but they kept Randy Moss who had almost half of Brady’s 50 TD passes in ’07 and New England will still be a top pick. Now I don’t care how old and crusty Brett Farve is, because he makes the New York Jets a better team – with an outside, and may I stress “outside” chance of nailing down a Wild Card spot. With a talent laden AFC, Gang Green will have to win ten games and that will be a stretch. They secured another hunk of major talent in Alan Faneca, seven-time Pro Bowl Guard for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and a key part in the effort of helping number 4 thrive. Buffalo is a decent club who has gone eight straight seasons without a playoff appearance. They may have the best special teams in the league and possess an amazing knack of generating turnovers. QB Trent Edwards will have to be exceptional for the Bills to go far. And the Miami Dolphins will improve greatly because Bill Parcells is now running the show. Very shortly the Fish will be a contender once again.

AFC NORTH

1. PITTSBURGH STEELERS
2. CLEVELAND BROWNS
3. CINCINNATI BENGALS
4. BALTIMORE RAVENS

THIS is a rock’em, sock ‘em group of ball clubs. Despite probably the toughest schedule in the NFL and the loss of Alan Faneca, the Steelers are still my top pick in the North. Big Ben is getting better with age and they’ve secured a nice back-up QB in Byron Leftwich. Willie Parker and Hinds Ward are exciting to watch as will be outside linebacker, the young and talented, LaMaar Woodley. The offensive line and special teams are definite problem spots, But Pittsburgh will still finish on top. I’ll surprise many here with Cleveland to finish ahead of Cincinnati for the number two spot. The Browns had ten wins last year and are hungry for more. They’ve got young guns at the QB position in Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn, and Braylon Edwards, Dante Stallworth, Jamal Lewis and Kellen Winslow are all top-notch targets. I like the energy by the lake in ’08. Cincinnati is a good team, but shaky in some regards. Carson Palmer has great ability but one man cannot get it done alone. Chad Johnson, who is now legally named Chad Javon Ocho Cinco has borrowed too much “off the field” bullshit from the Terrell Owens playbook. The defense has seen a retooling and that can take time to show returns. I’m only seeing 8 or nine wins and that is not enough to get to the post season. The Baltimore Ravens are still a big threat on D, but the offense is a different story. The QB position is in flux and they have a new offensive coordinator AND a new head coach. Way too much to ask for this season.

AFC SOUTH

1. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
2. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
3. HOUSTON TEXANS
4. TENNESSEE TITANS

This is the season the Jacksonville Jaguars are to be reckoned with. Coach Jack Del Rio has his players believing that they are a big-time NFL team and will improve on last season’s 12 wins. David Garrard is quietly one of the finest QB’s in football, throwing 18 TD’s and only 3 interceptions in ‘07. Fred Taylor and Maurice Drew-Jones are probably the best running back duo in the NFL, and a linebacker core that is punishing. This is the year they come out on top. Of course the Colts will be a great team again, but like Tom Brady, Peyton Manning didn’t take a singe snap in the pre-season. But he’ll have the horseshoe heads raring to go from day one. Last year the D only let up a league low 16.4 points a game and the offense has enough weaponry to make the NRA jealous. The biggest worry: injuries. The health – or lack there of on the Colts is their biggest concern. I like the Houston Texans to finally crawl out of the basement. Last year they had a decent run at 8 & 8 boasting a very solid, young defense. Ahman Green is healthy giving the Texans more offense. The Tennessee Titans need their quarterback to mature. While they won ten games last year, Vince Young threw 17 times into the opposing teams mitts and only tossed for nine TD’s. Those are not good numbers. The running and receiving game isn’t all-world either and that leaves a lot of pressure on the defense.

AFC WEST

1. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
2. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
3. DENVER BRONCOS
4. OAKLAND RAIDERS

The San Diego Chargers ARE the best team in professional football. If Ladainian Tomilison had played in the AFC championship game and Philip Rivers played injury free, the Bolts would have run roughshod on the Patriots and could have very well been the ’07 Super Bowl champions. The run defense is the only weak part on this team but SD only allowed 17.8 points per game and led all teams on pass D with 30 interceptions. Rookie Jacob Hester from LSU is a talented fullback who will fill in nicely for Michael Turner who went bye-bye, and LT will continue to shake the west coast more than any earthquake has in recent years. Chris Chambers, Antonio Gates, and Vincent Jackson are deadly as it gets and Rivers (who was traded for Eli Manning) may just get his shot at hoisting some silver hardware in 2008. The Kansas City Chiefs will bounce back and have a nice season – mainly because of the return of the big man, Larry Johnson. Brodie Croyle isn’t exactly a household name at quarterback, but if Johnson is healthy in the backfield, KC will romp some ass in the West. Denver’s QB Jay Cutler was diagnosed with diabetes a few months back and his health is a key issue in the success of the Broncos offense. Coach Mike Shanahan did a bit of housecleaning in the off-season and it may take a while for the Orange Crush to jell. All-world kicker Jason Elam is gone and I really think that Denver is an average group in all areas. The Oakland Raiders had a mere four wins in 2007 and their passing offense finished a gruesome 31st in all of football. JaMarcus Russell is a good QB and will definitely see his team improve a bit this year – not a ton – but every step counts. The Commitment to Excellence will be a slow and steady climb back.

CONCLUSION FOR 2008?…

I have none and the reason is simple. The NY Giants were nobody’s pick last year and were thousands of miles off of anybodies radar – including Giant’s fans. So I’ll just wait for the playoffs and we’ll talk about it then. In the meantime, feel free to comment on my prognostications and give some picks of your own – if you’ve got the balls, man.