A MESSAGE FROM THE ZMAN

As Grand Poobah of this testosterone fun park, I realize that some of you may have serious issues you need to get off your chest. So I bring you the one and only Angry Jim – a surly son of a bitch who will offer his acerbic solutions to your everyday problems. Jim has a perennial wild hare up his ass (or is it wild hair?) and sugar coating is not a part of his repertoire. Ask this prick your most personal questions at your own risk…

Dear Jim,

My job sucked so bad, my boss was a hateful dirtbag, and I was brutally miserable. My wife doesn’t know, but I quit on Friday and I don’t care because I have to chase my dream. Since I was a kid I wanted to play 3rd base for the New York Yankees. I play in a local softball league and I can hit the shit out of the ball. I’m only 43 and have a minimal beer gut. Do I go for it? Do I tell the wife? I need serious help, here.

Fitzy Larange,
Bronx, New York

Hey Fitz old boy,

First off, let’s be unmistakably clear, here:  You are a god damned loser.  If you are going to have a midlife crisis, do it right.  Buy yourself an “I have a little dick” sports car and bang the hell out of a woman half your age.  Sure, you’ll have to pay her, but something tells me that a guy like you pays for it no matter what.

As for your “dream” of playing for the Yankees – stop being a selfish retard, as you know that it’s never gonna happen.  You’re 20 years behind on steroid injections, and no one wants to see a delusional 43 year-old dumb-ass try to leg out an infield single.  Maybe you should get yourself a new dream, something more appropriate for a middle-aged man with more ambition than sense. You could make the world a better place by serving the masses as an assistant manager at the local Radio Shack.  That would have the added benefit of allowing to make further use of that polyester wardrobe you have hanging from that Soloflex you used three times in 1998.

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Dear Angry One,
I’m angry too. The government sucks, the banks suck, the car companies suck, and the bail out sucks. Okay, everything sucks. I’m not really sure I have a question, I just wanted to let you know that I’m angry like you.

J.J. Cooper,
Tallahassee, Florida

JJ,

Gee, That’s just swell, fella, but howz ’bout you get your own fucking gig.  This isn’t sports radio.
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Dear James,

Who would win in a fight between Mike Tyson, a ten foot gerbil, or the guy who played Newman from Seinfeld if he had a very sharp metal rake?

Irv Bitterman,
Tenafly, New Jersey

Yo Irv,

Given the fact that that Mike Tyson now fights like a six foot gerbil, I would have to take the ten foot gerbil heads up.  Fighting Newman with a rake is only slightly more frightening than fighting Newman without a rake, so that probably leaves him in third place no matter what.  So take the gerbil on the money line.

But the real question here is – is there nothing going on in your mother’s basement or in the comic book shop that could better occupy your mind? With great concentration and effort you might even be able to get yourself a girlfriend, then you could waste your time thinking about whether you will be getting laid or apologizing for something you never did.

Just sayin’…

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Dear Jimbo, My wife caught me having internet sex talk on Facebook with this crazy chick from Montanna. She’s beyond pissed and now she won’t let me sleep in the bed with her. I really love her, but this Montanna chick is loney from working with farm animals all day and she loves to rub one out when we I-chat. This is so good for my ego, but bad for my marriage. I’m torn.

Giacamo Slaughter,
New Haven, CT.

Dear Giacamo… Can I call you Giacamo? Good, then may I be frank?…  If the Mrs. doesn’t want you typing nasty tidbits to your barnyard flame, then she should be doing her wifely duty on a nightly basis.

That said – you are a pussy.  You paid for that bed.  If she is mad at you then she should hit the couch.  It’s your bed so use it.  Then again, I could say the same thing about your wife.

And if typing dirty words to some 13 year old boy pretending to be a hot chick is good for your ego, then you have bigger problems than you think. If you don’t get things under control this can only end with a visit from Chris Hansen and the Dateline film crew.  That will be you standing there saying “I thought he was a hot 27 year old chick,” as you shuffle that bag full of warm beer and condoms from one shaking hand to the other.  I would tell you to get some help, but only pussies need this kind of help.  In the words of my father, you need to straighten up, fly right, and grow a pair. I am not in the habit of quoting the old man, but in this case it seems appropriate.

Hey Zman, you’d better start payin’ me to deal with these sociopaths. In the meantime, keep those cards and letters coming, people!

Angry Jim is open to your quandaries and queries, 24/7, so email me and I’ll be the much needed buffer to assure that your precious head remains in tact. If you would like Angry Jim to take time out of his busy day to serve as your temporary life coach, you can send your questions to him at my personal email, tommyz@planetzman.com