The Grass Is Not Always Greener on the Other Side

Since 1999 they have played their home games on a blue football field and in the beginning, people laughed. But since then, the Bosie State football team is is 71 – 2 playing on home blue and the boys from Idaho are now the only one’s yukking it up.

Okay, maybe you’re laughing at me for picking the Broncos to win the national collegiate title with powerhouses like Alabama, Ohio State, Miami and Nebraska in the championship hunt, but this team is good – damned good, – and with 22 of 24 starters returning from a 14 – 0 season, there’s no reason why the bois in blue can’t be the first team from a non-BCS conference to go all the way.

Since the year 2000, Bosie State has amassed a stunning 112 – 17 record (26 of their last 27) the best record in college football during the decade. Yeah, people are going to point at their schedule of some weaker opponents, but week one has them pitted against top ten Virgina Tech, and against top 15 Oregon State in week three. Hey, we all know that every highly ranked school plays some pushovers along the way, including Ohio State’s opener against Marshall (Jesus, come on), Alabama vs. San Jose State in week one (yeah, right, Nick), Miami starting out against Florida A&M (Gosh, there’s a barn burner), and then there’s Nebraska, who will be gutting out their first four games against Western Kentucky, Idaho, Washington, and South Dakota (I’m shivering in my corn husk. Doth I dare mention Appalachian State’s famed Wolverine dinner?) Admittedly, some of the SEC teams have some pretty tough schedules, but as they say, it is what it is – you have to play the games you’re given – and if Boise State is undefeated after week three, they seriously have a shot at the national championship title in January.

Does anyone remember their 2007, 43 – 42 mind numbing bowl game crusher over Oklahoma? Remember those crazy-ass Playstation plays they ran to win that game – perhaps one of the most exciting games over the last decade (right behind Rutgers final play victory over Number 2 Louisville in 2006 – okay, so sue me if I’m partial to New Jersey.) And of course, there was last year’s Fiesta Bowl win against previously unbeaten, number 4 ranked TCU. Hard to ignore this kind of stuff, especially when you have 99 % of your unbeaten starting line-up returning from the previous year – including Heisman candidate, quarterback Kellen Moore, who threw 39 touchdown passes and just three interceptions to lead all college QB’s with the highest passer efficiency rating in Division I-A with a rating of 167.3.

There’s a popular old song from the 1960’s called Love is Blue, and for the people of Idaho – a state without any professional teams to speak of – the football team that plays their home games on the funky blueberry Smurf Turf has captured the hearts of an entire state. But it’s more than hearts that the Boise State Broncos are out to capture – it’s a national title that is within their grasp in 2010. Yeah, yeah, yeah… the Zman is going out on a limb and picking the dudes from the potato state to hoist the crystal collegiate trophy. Talk to me in January.

- ZMAN

LOS ANGELES, Calif. - August 27, 2010 – Camacho Cigars has been chosen by HBO to be the official cigar for their Luxury Lounge at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills, from August 27th to 29th, 2010. The 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards, which celebrates outstanding television performances and production, will be held on August 29th at the Nokia Theatre. Camacho Cigars will be treating actors, directors, producers, executives, and media to their ultra-premium cigars throughout the evening.

“We are excited to be once again aligning Camacho Cigars with HBO, the premiere name in cable television, to honor the 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards. It’s an honor to be invited back for the second year as the official cigar for the HBO Luxury Lounge and to again be part of this grand celebration,” said Dylan Austin, marketing director of Camacho Cigars.

About Camacho Cigars:

Founded in 1961 by Simon Camacho, Camacho Cigars® was acquired by the Eiroa family in 1995. Now part of the Oettinger Davidoff Group, Camacho Cigars® is one of the key players in the international cigar market. The flagship Camacho brand, made at Rancho Jamastran in Danli, Honduras, is comprised of 11 premium and super-premium line extensions: (Super-Premium: Diploma, 10th Anniversary Corojo, Liberty Series, Triple Maduro™, Select)(Premium: Corojo, Connecticut, Coyolar, Havana, SLR and Room101). Camacho Cigars also has 7 core brands, including Baccarat The Game, America’s #1 selling premium cigar.

www.camachocigars.com

For those of you across the country who do believe that all people from New Jersey live in a putrid industrial swamp, say fugeddabouit at the drop of a hat, and will whack somebody just for taking their parking space… you really do need a little “Jersey Style” education courtesy of the Zman.

Wherever I travel throughout the U.S. or Canada, every brutally unoriginal, smart-ass jokester says the same goddamned thing every single time: “So, you’re from Joizey?” Now usually I’m a playful sort who kids back with almost anybody, but this always irks me. And the reason: NO ONE… I said ABSOLUTELY NO ONE from New Jersey says NEW JOIZEY! It’s an urban myth, my guess perpetuated by 1930 gangster flicks and The Bowery Boys movies. “Hey Satch, why don’t you grab da dames and we’ll all head fa Joizey.”

Now I admit we have our accents, especially northern NJ, which is close to Manhattan. While recently dining in Toronto I asked the waitress for an after dinner coffee and she says back, ‘Ya’s want some Caw-fee?” and proceeds to laugh. Now I possess a killer Joe Pesci imitation, and I look at the server deadpan in the eyes and said, (think Cousin Vinnie, now) “Hey toots, howz ‘bout a little respect here…huh?” She snickers again and says, “Come on, let me here you say Joisey! I just want to hear you say it!” Now all of a sudden I’m some kind of freakin’ traveling road show. Like an indignant ass – still in Cousin Vinnie mode – I blurt out for the entire restaurant to hear, “We don’t say Joizey for crissakes! Capiciche?!” She froze in her tracks as her hands started to tremble. With big puppy dog eyes the woman looks up at me and asks, “ You’re not going to hurt me, are you?”

Not too long ago in Tampa, I’m in a store and the woman starts laughing and says, “Boy oh boy, ya’ll sure do talk funny.” Unfortunately she didn’t know she wuz dealin’ wit’ Tommy DeVito from Goodfellas. I gave her the stare that could kill and said, “Whadda ya mean I tawk funny? Like clown funny, like ha-ha funny?”

This dumb-ass broad (having absolutely no inkling of a clue that I was pulling her leg) stared at me like I stepped out of a silver spaceship from Uranus. “No, sir… ya just talk funny.”

“Do I amuse you? Wise don’t you explain it to me, huh? I wanna know…do I amuse you?”

“SECURITY!!! SECURITY!!!”

For years, the much-maligned state of New Jersey has often been the brunt of many a comedian’s off-color jokes. But without question, the HBO series The Sopranos brought a new and interesting sense of pride to the Garden State. I personally happen to be half Italian on my mother’s side, and have lived all my life in northern New Jersey. I know all of the show’s landmarks and have even frequented the Bada Bing (actually known as Satin Dolls, on Rt. 17 in Lodi.) When you live in this area, you learned to recognize that when streets were closed, traffic was diverted, light towers were up, and large production trucks surrounded the grounds, The Sopranos were shooting a scene.

But as cool as The Sopranos was, it only deepened the stigma that everyone here is a buncha leg breakin thugs and that everyone is Italian! And to that again I say, stop being such a friggin’ stunad! Do any of you gabbagools realize that New Jersey has hundreds of miles of sandy white beaches and coastline, pristine forests and mountain ranges, is one of the nation’s top producers of sweet corn, tomatoes, and cranberries, is home to Princeton University, Seton Hall, and Rutgers, as well as luminaries such as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Buzz Aldrin, Norman Schwarzkopf , Derek Jeter, Shaq, Bon Jovi, Sinatra, and of course let’s not forget Derek Drymon, from my hometown of Jefferson Township, and famed producer of Spongebob Squarepants? (And of course, headquarters to the greatest Cigar store and Cigar magazine on the planet.) This state is a venerable melting pot of nationalities, with Wallington Township being the 2nd largest Polish community in the country! And above and beyond anything, we’re probably best known as the “diner” state.

I will admit there’s no doubt that Jersey people are nowhere near as friendly as others around the country. We’re certainly not mean or anything, it’s just that people in the NY / NJ metro area move at a much faster pace than anywhere else in the U.S. New Jersey is the most densely populated state and the cost of living is outrageous. Our property taxes and car insurance is the highest in the nation and millions of us are cramped into this little state that basically looks like a guy with a flat head who is looking to his left.

So all of you good folks from the other 49 states – how about cutting us some slack? We’re good citizens and our state has a lot to offer. Just don’t ask me to say Joizey, cuz the next person who makes that lame-ass wise crack ends up with his friggin head in a bowling ball bag.

I’m glad we came to this little understanding.

- ZMAN

Perhaps one of the most intense scenes in all of film. It was heavily ad-libbed by Pesci and Liota and the timing is impeccable. Like a clown, I amuse you? Get the f@#k outta here Tommy. This is an absolute all-time classic. Enjoy… capiche?

Follow Us on Twitter for All Your Testosterone Filled Updates > www.twitter.com/planetZman

Metal, Chrome, & Testosterone

Recently I attended “Bike Night” at JR Cigars in Whippany, New Jersey, with my 13 year old son, Tommy. It was just the gorgeous, perfect night – blue sky and late summer temperatures as motorcycles of every size, make, year, design, and color descended upon the parking lot for four hours of high-tech nostalgia and testosterone.

I admittedly don’t ride or own a bike, but the middle age crazy, mid life yearning in me really wants to something fierce. I just love motorcycles and the unbridled freedom they represent. My friends who ride say that just like smoking a cigar, cruising on a bike unwinds the mind and recharges your batteries, allowing you to become one with the bike and your surroundings. My wife thinks I’m out of my f’ing mind but why would I expect her to understand? She loathes cigars even thought those checks I get to support the family come straight from the tobacco world.

Long hairs, throwbacks, and white-collar dudes joined in unison to hang and celebrate the age-old joy of “riding on the wind.” They came from all walks of life (Yeah, and that would be me, “posing” on a custom Harley.) It was a male bonding extravaganza and the smell of finely aged burning leaf wafted through the air as Tommy and I oogled and ah’d at many an amazing piece of machinery and art. Of course all of the true blue Harley’s were out in full force as well as some very cool Victory’s, but I was definitely impressed with many of the Japanese bikes that have taken on the American “bad-boy” look. Honda, Yamaha, and Kawasakia make some bikes I couldn’t believe weren’t American made as their engineering and style were flat out awesome. Then there were Triumphs, BMW’s, and some old Norton’s on display, as well as my all-time favorite, the Indian.

A few years ago, Indian Motorcycles went belly up. I decided to check the web and found out that the company has been reformed with a brand new headquarters and a state of the art manufacturing facility in Kings Mountain, North Carolina. Four brand new 2009 gorgeous touring road models should be available this fall and that is just great news for a true American icon. You certainly don’t have to ride bikes to appreciate the amazing beauty and hand craftsmanship that goes into these masterpieces. Seems they’ve received a 30 million dollar cash infusion from investors, and the people at the top are hiring the best in the business at every position in order to bring this much heralded name back into the public eye. God I want one. Please mom and dad, oh can I please have an Indian for Christmas? Check ‘em out for yourself at: www.indianmotorcycle.com

There was this one dude, the classic rebel with the long white ponytail, dressed in the traditional biker garb and rode a beautiful “old school” style chopper that was in super mint condition despite being 40 years of age. With long handle bars, spoked wheels, a tiny little gas tank, chrome everywhere, and a rebellious gleaming swastika mounted above the sissy bar, this mutha was no wannabe poser as many an onlooker smiled in delight. And, the man was a perfect gentlemen which is definitely the norm at a gathering like this.

As riders of every type were in attendance, so was my pal, Dave Runfeldt, the honorable mayor of Lincoln Park, New Jersey (also Chiropractor extraordinaire and volunteer firefighter) and owner of a magnificent Harley Davidson Road King, special fireman’s edition. Emblazoned in screaming fire engine red and adorned with flames flowing up the fenders, this big boy turned a hell of a lot of heads – No, not Dave – the friggin’ bike, you dumbass!

And what bike rally wouldn’t be complete without the smokin’ hottie biker chicks clad in their short denim shorties, leather vests, and bulging twin-v’s. I give major kudos to the older gals – the plus 40 ladies who may have added a little umph to their personal cruising weight, but still had the moxie to parade their wares for a dad and his pubescent kid. It’s a pisser because Tommy tries to pretend he’s not looking but I’m sure he was feeling a tad warmer than usual on Friday night.

Incredible machines, tasty cigars, male camaraderie, and hot babes. Damn, what will they think of next?

Ride the wind, brother.

- ZMAN

Here’s the link for remaining 2010 bike and car shows at JR Cigars in Whippany, New Jersey…

——————————————————————————————————

http://www.jrwhippany.com/index.cfm?page=events_bikecarshow_2010

• All shows 6-10pm
• Grillin’ and Chillin’ outside until 8pm cooking up burgers and dogs
• Beer Specials in the bar and lounge
• Free to spectators and car/bike owners

#1 – Do You Love Me?
It’s funny because the typical male’s answer to that question is almost always the same: “WTF is that supposed to mean?”

#2 – I’m Thinking of Having Plastic Surgery
Our expert claims that men want their women to have natural beauty and that the “real” you, the girl he fell for won’t be there anymore. What a crock of Shinola! I say bring on the saline and pump those puppies up. I’d love it if my wife came home with a new set of big bouncy cans. The first thing I’d do is toss her a basketball and watch her dribble in a low cut top. Although paying for them is another story.

#3 – You Used to Take Me Out and Now We Don’t Do Anything
Whaddya mean we don’t do anything? We watched the Giant’s game, grappled in the sack for three minutes, shopped on line at JR.com, and you cooked me a wonderful roast beef dinner! I think this was a pretty perfect Sunday, if you ask me.

#4 – Don’t You Like My New Outfit (Or Hairdo?)
Okay, now this is a lot of pressure for a guy because the initial response his brain makes is – “What new hairdo or outfit?” But we act cool, try not to flinch and make a suave remark like, “Sure looks better than that old p.o.s. you used to have.” And as you know, that is a very BAD answer, but at that moment your team is inside the five yard line and the friggin’ shrew couldn’t wait until the end of the goddamned game?!

#5 – Don’t You Want to Go Shopping?
Which is like asking a man, “Do you want me to stick a grappling hook in your eyes then pour gasoline and ignite your old Marvel Comics collection?” If the shopping is for you, she’s saying that your three Metallica t-shirts and one pair of shredded jeans make you look like garbage. And if the shopping is for her, well then, all right – bring on the hook but don’t dare touch the comics.

#6 – Can We Talk? (While he’s trying to watch the game.)
Unless it’s about Pittsburgh’s inability to run on the Giants D, what time the Rangers/Islanders game is tonight, if you’d like to make a beer and hot wing run, or if I think that 15 minutes during halftime is enough to pleasure me…please keep the pie-hole on auto-shut. If it’s about the yenta’s at work or the fact that I forgot our anniversary, please wait until I’m in a drunken stupor and passed out in a heaping mess of my own bodily fluids.

#7 – I Only Slept With (insert number) of Guys Before You
Yes, every man wants to have a clear mental picture of another guy shtooping the gal he said “I Do” to. Please – give me all the details, no really – want to know. The so-called expert says a woman should NEVER – EVER let this proverbial cat out of the bag. Oh come on, we’re bigger than that, we can take it… I mean I want to hear all about the days with her heals high in the air while screaming out some dirtload named Roscoe’s name while spread eagle over a duffle bag full of hockey equipment in the back of his ’76 Pinto.

#8 – You Care More About Your Friends Than You Do Me
Now the expert claims this is some kind of trust issue, but since I’m a guy, I don’t get what the hell this broad is getting at. Hey, my friends are important to my life – we smoke cigars, watch the game, go golfing, and other neat stuff. Honey, they could never replace your vacuuming skills and the fact that you dig anal. And do you think that Joe or Sal would wash my underwear? Come on.

#9 – Why Don’t You Start going to the Gym?
The expert does have this one right as she claims that nagging your man could actually cause him to do the exact opposite. “Yeah honey, I really dig looking like a fat blob of shit.” She says to the ladies to get your guy to take a hike in the mountains and then share a bottle of wine together. Sounds great, but she leaves out the part about humping in the dirt until your head explodes. And if you have Verizon, your man can even catch the scores of the games in real time.

#10 – Does This Make Me Look Fat?
The ultimate question that every broad since the dawn of time has asked every poor schlep who owns a penis.
“Og…dis bear fur make me look fat?”
“Ugh, watching dinosaur fights with Glock. Got Raptors at 3 to 1. Make fire and come back later.”
“Og…I want to know – does dis bear fur make me look fat?”
“Uh…No… course not… YOU make you look fat.”
“Owwwwwwww!” (as Bronto bone is hurled across his thickened brow.)

Honesty may not always be the best policy as a lady’s feelings get hurt, but then the woman gets mad if she thinks you’re lying to her. It is the classic No-Win situation – just ask Og.

So that’s it. I hope I cleared things up from the guy’s perspective. God knows if the Mrs. reads this I may not have the use for my hands for a while.

- ZMAN

Ozzy Osbourne is still the Master of METAL! See his new video right here -- Let me hear you scream. This absolutely shreds. Crank it up!

Ladies, return those ties you gave for Father’s Day. The manliest candles on earth are here, created exclusively by certified professors of manology. Manly scents like Bait Shop, NEw Baseball Glove, & Chuck Norris Sweat. They’re 1% wax and 99% testosterone!

A Classic you just can’t stop singing from Leary’s NO CURE FOR Cancer Album

This is a spectacular comeback for one of rock’s most prolific bands. I LOVED Layne Stanley, but life goes on and this album is very special. Hey… Somebody Check my brain.