Yeah, I Gotta Problem Wit Dat
For those of you across the country who do believe that all people from New Jersey live in a putrid industrial swamp, say fugeddabouit at the drop of a hat, and will whack somebody just for taking their parking space… you really do need a little “Jersey Style” education courtesy of the Zman.
Wherever I travel throughout the U.S. or Canada, every brutally unoriginal, smart-ass jokester says the same goddamned thing every single time: “So, you’re from Joizey?” Now usually I’m a playful sort who kids back with almost anybody, but this always irks me. And the reason: NO ONE… I said ABSOLUTELY NO ONE from New Jersey says NEW JOIZEY! It’s an urban myth, my guess perpetuated by 1930 gangster flicks and The Bowery Boys movies. “Hey Satch, why don’t you grab da dames and we’ll all head fa Joizey.”
Now I admit we have our accents, especially northern NJ, which is close to Manhattan. While recently dining in Toronto I asked the waitress for an after dinner coffee and she says back, ‘Ya’s want some Caw-fee?” and proceeds to laugh. Now 
I possess a killer Joe Pesci imitation, and I look at the server deadpan in the eyes and said, (think Cousin Vinnie, now) “Hey toots, howz ‘bout a little respect here…huh?” She snickers again and says, “Come on, let me here you say Joisey! I just want to hear you say it!” Now all of a sudden I’m some kind of freakin’ traveling road show. Like an indignant ass – still in Cousin Vinnie mode – I blurt out for the entire restaurant to hear, “We don’t say Joizey for crissakes! Capiciche?!” She froze in her tracks as her hands started to tremble. With big puppy dog eyes the woman looks up at me and asks, “ You’re not going to hurt me, are you?”
Not too long ago in Tampa, I’m in a store and the woman starts laughing and says, “Boy oh boy, ya’ll sure do talk funny.” Unfortunately she didn’t know she wuz dealin’ wit’ Tommy DeVito from Goodfellas. I gave her the stare that could kill and said, “Whadda ya mean I tawk funny? Like clown funny, like ha-ha funny?”
This dumb-ass broad (having absolutely no inkling of a clue that I was pulling her leg) stared at me like I stepped out of a silver spaceship from Uranus. “No, sir… ya just talk funny.”
“Do I amuse you? Wise don’t you explain it to me, huh? I wanna know…do I amuse you?”
“SECURITY!!! SECURITY!!!”
For years, the much-maligned state of New Jersey has often been the brunt of many a comedian’s off-color jokes. But without question, the HBO series The Sopranos brought a new and interesting sense of pride to the Garden State. I personally happen to be half Italian on my mother’s side, and have lived all my life in northern New Jersey. I know all of the show’s landmarks and have even frequented the Bada Bing (actually known as Satin Dolls, on Rt. 17 in Lodi.) When you live in this area, you learned to recognize that when streets were closed, traffic was diverted, light towers were up, and large production trucks surrounded the grounds, The Sopranos were shooting a scene.
But as cool as The Sopranos was, it only deepened the stigma that everyone here is a buncha leg breakin thugs and that everyone is Italian! And to that again I say, stop being such a friggin’ stunad! Do any of you gabbagools realize that New Jersey has hundreds of miles of sandy white beaches and coastline, pristine forests and 
mountain ranges, is one of the nation’s top producers of sweet corn, tomatoes, and cranberries, is home to Princeton University, Seton Hall, and Rutgers, as well as luminaries such as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Buzz Aldrin, Norman Schwarzkopf , Derek Jeter, Shaq, Bon Jovi, Sinatra, and of course let’s not forget Derek Drymon, from my hometown of Jefferson Township, and famed producer of Spongebob Squarepants? (And of course, headquarters to the greatest Cigar store and Cigar magazine on the planet.) This state is a venerable melting pot of nationalities, with Wallington Township being the 2nd largest Polish community in the country! And above and beyond anything, we’re probably best known as the “diner” state.
I will admit there’s no doubt that Jersey people are nowhere near as friendly as others around the country. We’re certainly not mean or anything, it’s just that people in the NY / NJ metro area move at a much faster pace than anywhere else in the U.S. New Jersey is the most densely populated state and the cost of living is outrageous. Our property taxes and car insurance is the highest in the nation and millions of us are cramped into this little state that basically looks like a guy with a flat head who is looking to his left.
So all of you good folks from the other 49 states – how about cutting us some slack? We’re good citizens and our state has a lot to offer. Just don’t ask me to say Joizey, cuz the next person who makes that lame-ass wise crack ends up with his friggin head in a bowling ball bag.
I’m glad we came to this little understanding.
- ZMAN
October 21st, 2008 at 11:18 pm
You Tell em ZMan!!! Woodbridge NJ is supports ya…
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:18 am
I’m tellin’ ‘em, brutha!
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:44 am
Sing the good words of Jersey, Zman.
Soon, you will leave the blog world behind for your job as Director of State Tourism.
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:18 am
Tommy,
I’ve been around the world with the military and now live and work in the Washington DC area. I have heard the stupid “joizy” thing more time than I care to mention. When i was stationed in TX the first time (7 yrs total) I was asked to say “this” all the time because ” said “dis”, “ya know dis, dat and da udda ding”. Any way Z central Jersey (Monmouth County/Matawan) supports you
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:02 am
I’m feelin the love, Derek.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
If’n youse ain’t from Jersey, youse gotta be a jerk face!!!!
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Yo Tommmeeee you tell em!! by da way you forgot your shinebox just dont burrey me in a shallow grave in the meadowlands
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Thanks for the fix Z. Know exactly how you feel. I still get that after 30 years here in Texas. But you left out one of Rutgers most famous alumni: Mr. Magoo. Jersey still has the best sweet corn and I still haven’t found a better tomato than a Rutgers tomato. If only I could get them down here. I have a friend at work from New Brunswick and people freak when we get going doing the Jersey thing.
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Tommy,
Very nice. Now go home and get your f&*kin’ shinebox!
Jersey does get a bad rap. I grew up in Queens and abused NJ to no end. My parents still don’t like to come out this way. I live not far from you and it’s beautiful out here.
-Chuck
October 24th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Reading this almost brought tears to my eyes. I grew up in Jersey, East Paterson, (Elmwood Park now) and left to go in the Air Foce during Viet Nam. I always planned on returning, but, unfortunately, life never brought me back that way except for brief visits. But I still tell everyone I’m an Itlian boy from Jersey and proud of it!
The Diners! God, the Diners. The tomatoes and corn. Every time I take a trip there I get all these orders for sacks of corn and bushels of tomatoes. And Taylor Ham! Texas Weiners with everything!
I can’t tell you how envious I am when I read “I lived in Jersey my whole life” I wish I had. This brought back more memories than any episode of the Sopranos.
October 24th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
How the HELL could I leave Taylor Ham off the list?
And Texas Wieners from Rutts Hut, Calahans, Fallsview Grill and Hirams…oh baby!
October 27th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
you gottat chill bro…if I heated up about every crackin liberal from jersey who has a beef with Bush or Texans with guns…I’d be raging…
love
your texan bro
November 3rd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Yeah, leave our weiners out of the discussion. They stay with us here in Texas.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:35 am
You’d think us Coon Asses down here in THE South don’t get out much, but I’ve been the Jersey a few times on business and pleasure. It’s a great place. Yeah, like most states it’s got it’s cesspools scattered about but all in all it’s a great place with some good people. Just call up TommyZ … he’ll show where the best smoked weiners are.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:35 am
I can’t believe I forget to mention the JR Cigar store. Sweet!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Being from Jersey myself and having moved out of state a few years ago, I was called to do some work for people that just moved to the area. I asked what part of Jersey they were from (they still had NJ license plates) to which they replied Atlantic City. I said “Ahhh yes the gaaden state” in my best Gov. Kane voice and the man said “No, we’re from NJ”. I just shook my head and laughed. Whadda ya gonna do???
June 4th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Hey Trash, I wouldda slapped those friggin stunads upside their heads, fer crissakes!
June 4th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Ya think New Jersey is an just an industrial swamp with gangsters and hitmen? Well, Wrong…
True, youse also got sleazy casinos in Atlantic City.
But I would like to try some of that sweet corn sometime.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:54 am
The dark red, softball sized, Jersey tomatoes are the best in the US, bar none. A little mayo, salt, and pepper and you’ve got a killer sandwich.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:15 am
That Joisey thing gets real old real fast. Here in Chicago, I just want to take a wrench to the head of some of these friggin farm boys out here. Muth-on! Overall, Chicago’s not bad. Like Jersey..good place to be a made man. They just need to learn to talk right.
Props to the ZMan from Burlington County.