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Megan Fox just may be the hottest 22 year-old on the planet right about now. The model turned actress has taken Hollywood by storm and yours truly, Tommy Z. was fortunate enough to sit down with this sensational…uh…

…all right, all right – I have a confession to make. I didn’t exactly interview Megan Fox in person. Okay…I may not have really spoken with her at all. I mean come on – you actually think an astonishing, sizzling hottie like her would have anything at all to do with a loathsome jerk-wad like me? Ummmm… nah. So as I fantasized unholy thoughts while Googling her steamy images, I thought I’d just go ahead and write the interview that I’d want to do, as well as the answers I imagine she might give. Aw, don’t be mad at me, this is probably better than any REAL interview I could ever do, and I promise to make you smile. And hey – you get to gawk over a lot of leggy photos that should have a personal defibrillator issued with your log-in.

Heh-heh…heh-heh… I said log-in.

TZ: Hey Megan, thanks for sitting down with me (As under my breath I utter, “Oh my God, you are so stinkin’ hot.”)

MF: And…who the hell are you, anyway?

TZ: I’m Tommy Z. from PlanetZman.

MF: What is that… another dirty old man porn site for a bunch of mid-life crisis looosers?

TZ: No…it’s not porn…I guess you could call it a men’s lifestyle site…you know, everything that guys are into.

MF: You mean beer and hooters? That’s about the scope of it.

TZ: You forgot cars, football and buffalo wings.

MF: And pleasuring yourself to milf sites?

TZ: You’re perceptive for your age.

MF: And you’re fat and creepy. Do you know that you’re drooling?

TZ: God, I hate that…It’s from my mother’s side of the family…something to do with first cousins marrying. Hey listen, a lot of the fans want to know if it was difficult and scary working with those monster robots in Transformers.

MF: WTF Is your problem?

TZ: Is Optimus Prime as nice in person as he is on the screen?

MF: Did your parents have any children that lived, you f@#king retard?

TZ: How do you feel about FHM Magazine voting you the sexiest woman in the world?

MF: A lot better than Sarah Jessica Horseface being named the Un-Sexiest woman alive by Maxim.

TZ: What kind of men turn you on?

MF: Pretty much the opposite of you. Do you even bathe?

TZ: I’ll take that as some sort of twisted backhanded compliment, thank you. In a GQ Magazine interview, you said that you fell in love with a female stripper when you were 18 and used the experience to illustrate your belief that “…all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes.”

MF: And your point?

TZ: Do you admit that you’re bisexual?

MF: Let’s just say I love to devour my meat from both sides of the buffet table. You get a good picture of that in your head, Polack boy?

TZ: Can I sneak off to the bathroom for a minute? I swear it’ll only take a minute.

MF: Can I ask who the hell you bribed to get this interview?

TZ: Well, nobody actually – I’m just making this whole thing up.

MF: Oh, right.

TZ: You’ve got an uncanny nine tattoos on your body, including a poem on your ribcage, a symbol for strength on your neck, your fiancé’s name on your hip, a bull’s eye on your back, a pink flamingo on your upper thigh, and a picture of Marilyn Monroe’s face on yourr right arm. You also has one on your right shoulder that says “We will all laugh at gilded butterflies,” a line from Shakespeare’s play King Lear. Are there any in an undisclosed place that we don’t know about?

MF: I’ll show you, but I WILL have to kill you.

TZ: Something tells me I’ll die with a stupid-ass smile on my face.

MF: Will you look at that…time’s up!

TZ: OH COME ON! THAT IS NOT FAIR!

MF: Life ain’t fair, sweetie – now go take a cold shower and wash that cigar stink from your ass.

TZ: Ah Jeez!…I was THIS close I tell ya…THIS CLOSE! Can I call you sometime? Megan?

She wants it.

- ZMAN