A while back we talked about the ten things you NEVER say to a guy – written by of course a chick without a friggin clue because of one major detail…SHE THINKS LIKE A CHICK!

Well, today I have the list of TEN Things that WE WISH (oh a tall wish indeed) our women would say to us! Can you imagine if they thought like this? Wow, would we all have a better world to live in…

#1 – What time is the football game on?
“I only ask, honey, because I’ll take some of the yard work off your hands – and then I’ll go out for a while – umm, probably giving you enough time until the post game show over. Oh yeah, chili is on the stove and cold beer is in the fridge. And I hope the Giants tear Dallas a new ass!”

#2 – Would You Mind If My Two Smoking Hot Divorced Friends, Sandy and Kelly Come Over and Have Some Drinks With Us Tonight?
“Honey, it would be such a thoughtful thing to do. Those two have been so lonely and do they ever need companionship. Hey, we can break out that vodka that gets you drunker than hell. I don’t remember a thing from the last time we drank that stuff. Plus they have got to be the sexiest women I know with kids – especially after the boob jobs. Please, baby, I’ll make it up to you.”

#3 – Damn It Babe, When the Hell Was the Last Time You Golfed?
“I can’t remember the last time you played a good round with your buddies. What the hell, Man, I didn’t buy you those Pings so you could just do work all the time. And I don’t give a shit what a weekend round costs – your sanctity of mind is what’s important. Oh by the way…here’s a few Montecristos. Those should last you through the day.

#4 – I Bought the Kids Movie Tickets for Tonight So We Can Crawl in the Hot Tub and Hump
“You cool with that?”

#5 – I Know the Economy Sucks and All, but God Dayum, You Would Look So Hot Driving a New Corvette!
You know honey, maybe it’s time I started showing you off a little. I mean I know I take you for granted sometimes and I couldn’t be luckier to have you as a husband. Just go to Chevy’s website and check out the 2011 Vette page. If I have to take a part-time job to help with the financing – well, it’s the least I can do.”

#6 – Do You Mind If We Watch Some Porn Tonight?
“Reality TV just sucks lately and I know how much you love those Cougar on Cougar scenes. Btw, there’s a large can of whipped cream in the fridge that I just picked up from Costco.”

#7 – You Know How I Told You That You Don’t Play Enough Golf?…
Well you sure as hell don’t play enough POKER, either. I mean really… when was the last time to you and your pals had a killer evening of Hold ‘Em? Tell you what, I’ll pick up a few cases, make a load of sandwiches, and wait up until you’re stinkin’ drunk.”

#8 – If I was bi-sexual, which of my friends would you like to see me with?
“Now I’m not saying that it’s gonna happen, but could you just do me a favor and let me know your opinion on this one? And don’t be shy about it.”

#9 – You Know – Call Me Crazy, But We REALLY Should Turn the Spare Bedroom Into a Walk-In Humidor.
“I know, where will our guests sleep? But, your cigars CAN’T be getting the right humidity just stuffed in all of those little boxes you’ve got them in. Come on – be practical here. You’ve spent a lot of money on all those things – especially the Cubans and the Anniversarios – and the last thing you want is for them to go to shit. I already looked on line and it’s not too hard to do, plus that cedar smell is intoxicating. Use your head, here.”

#10 – All Right – We’ll Compromise…
“We’ll divide the room in half…Half will be a walk-in humidor and the other half will be a man-cave for watching sports and smoking all those friggin stogies. The flat screen and surround sound is a given…but do you think a pool table will fit? You’re Okay with this…right? I know it’s kind of selfish on my part, but I love when you crawl into the sack all stinking like a JR Ultimate Maduro.”

Wow…if there truly is a God, this will happen some day. One day, we will all be Kings again… oh yes, we WILL be kings again.

- ZMAN

CUENCA CIGARS OF HOLLYWOOD, FL TO CELEBRATE GRAND OPENING OF MONTECRISTO LOUNGE

Cuenca Cigars’ elegant Montecristo Lounge in Hollywood, Florida will hold its Grand Opening Celebration on Friday, February 25th. This much anticipated event will begin with a ceremonial ribbon cutting by Mayor Bobber and Altadis U.S.A. executives at 6:30 P.M.The evening’s festivities will continue until 10:00 P.M. and will include a raffle for an array of sought-after cigars and accessories including a beautiful humidor, signature ashtrays, lighters, 5-packs of Montecristo 75th Aniversario cigars and caps featuring the iconic Montecristo logo.

The beautiful new Montecristo Lounge, features a connoisseur’s selection of the world’s most prestigious brands, including Montecristo, Romeo y Julieta, H. Upmann, Trinidad, Siglo, A. Turrent Triple Play, Warlock and many others – all made or distributed by Altadis U.S.A. Cigar aficionados will relish the lounge’s warm, gracious atmosphere, where they can sit back in handsome leather armchairs and enjoy their favorite smokes. Cuenca Cigars is very excited about the significance of this Grand Opening to the community. “Our goal as a local and striving business is to demonstrate that local businesses are ready to welcome visitors with open arms,“ says owner Ana Cuenca.

Strong community support for Cuenca Cigars Montecristo Lounge is demonstrated by its success in attracting business partners, such as Timeless Destinations, Connection for Business, and Jorge L Rodirgues, MBA Allstate Exclusive Financial Advisor. “The more we attract successful companies and entrepreneurs to our city,” says Cuenca, “the more revenues we will generate for surrounding businesses.”

The Montecristo Lounge is located at 1928 Harrison Street, Hollywood, Fla. 33020.
For more information, contact Janelle Rosenfeld at (954) 938-7837 or jrosenfeld@altadisusa.com

Uncovered: Whiskey Row store owners find wall-sized century-old cigar ads

By Joanna Dodder Nellans, The Daily Courier

PRESCOTT, Arizona – Rich and Jenny Schulte thought it would help boost the historic look of their new Whiskey Row store to remove the pegboard and plaster on one long wall to uncover the old brick. But they never suspected what else they’d find.

Two huge cigar ads were painted onto those bricks about a century ago when the store was the Grand Saloon. The Schultes will leave the ads in place and display their Western items in front of the ads at their Jenny Longhorn store.

“Prescott is an historic town and it’s part of its history,” Jenny said. “It tells a story.”

The building went up in 1903 after a huge 1900 fire torched much of downtown Prescott including Whiskey Row. The Grand Saloon and soon the Grand Hotel upstairs were the first businesses in the structure now at 152 and 154 1/2 Montezuma St.

The original owner was H.D. Stuthman until the property went to his wife Amelie during their divorce in 1908, according the City of Prescott’s Courthouse Plaza Historic District Survey by retired Prescott historic preservation specialist Nancy Burgess. A 1907 phone book at the Sharlot Hall Museum lists the Grand Saloon, but it’s not in the 1923 and 1942 books.

The saloon undoubtedly had to change its name to something else when Arizona’s liquor prohibition started in 1915 until 1933 when the prohibition ended nationwide.

The front part of the building was a retail store when his late father bought it in 1949, former county judge Howard Hinson said. In the back was an assay office, locksmith and moving/storage place. His father found a gambling table in the basement.

“I guess there was a good bit of gambling in the 1940s as well as prostitution,” Hinson said.

His father opened the Holiday Shop there. The late county supervisor Gheral Brownlow became his father’s partner in the late 1960s. Brownlow later became the shop’s sole owner and moved the shop to another downtown location in about 1984, Hinson recalled.

The upstairs remains a rooming house today called the Grand Highland Hotel.

The store already had plastered walls when his father bought it, so he didn’t see the cigar ads until they were uncovered last week.

“It’s really interesting,” he said.

When the Jenny Longhorn store first opened in September, the Schultes exposed only a small portion of one of the ads near one of the front display windows. Passersby could see only two letters – “ur” – so they’ve been curious for months to see the entire ad.

“You wouldn’t believe the number of people who had their face against the window to see what it is,” Jenny said.

“Arthur” was the word containing the “ur” – that’s for Chester Arthur, the country’s 21st president. The entire ad, about 10 feet by 10 feet in size, says “Try a Gen. Arthur” and features a man pointing at onlookers.

President Arthur was a Civil War brigadier general who was vice president until President James Garfield was assassinated. He was known for accompanying White House meals with cigars and champagne.

The company that sold Gen. Arthur cigars, called General Cigar Corp. at the time, went out of business in 1917.

The other cigar ad is even larger – about 30 feet long and 6 feet high. It says “Owl 5¢ cigar” and features a painted owl. Between the ads is painted “Connelly S.F.,” possibly the name of the artist.

The ads are extensively pocked with chipped spots, probably from nails that held the plaster to the painted brick, Rich surmised.

The brick is likely from Prescott because it has the telltale signs of soft, low-quality brick. Most of the brick that business owners used to rebuild their structures after the 1900 fire was the low-cost Prescott brick, said Prescott Historic Preservation Specialist Cat Moody. The local firing facilities were inferior, she said. The bricks have an orange tint, and are chalky and powdery in places.

“If it’s ever painted, it can’t be stripped,” or that would “undermine the integrity” of the structure, Moody warned. It’s also impossible to pressure-wash and restore it on the outside, she said.

So it sounds like the ads will stay where they are. Who knows what’s hidden behind the other long wall.

“Ultimately, we’d like to expose that too,” Jenny said.

The bead shop in back also remains covered with the plaster.

Photos by Les Stukenberg/The Daily Courier

The highly successful 12th Annual Montecristo Cup Charity Pro-Am golf tournament, which benefits the Montecristo Relief Organization, was held this past December 1st through 5th at the world class Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island, Bahamas.

Over 100 amateurs and professionals from the PGA tours attended the pro-am, which is known as “the ultimate marriage of golf and cigars” and has earned a reputation as one of the finest pro-am golf events of its kind. Participants enjoyed three days of tournament golf on the resort’s renowned Ocean Club course as well as fabulous food and spirits, unlimited luxury cigars and the camaraderie that brings people back year after year.

In addition to the spectacular golf – amateurs played with a different pro each day – guests enjoyed the resort’s many amenities including the exhilarating water sports, spectacular marine life exhibits and, of course, the Caribbean’s largest casino.

Festivities included the popular silent auction featuring Altadis U.S.A. cigars and humidors, original artwork by renowned artists, fine jewelry and watches, autographed sports memorabilia, golf equipment and apparel and much more.

Funds raised at the live auction will build additional homes at the Montecristo Village, currently under construction in Honduras. When completed, the Village will consist of more than 100 homes, schools and community services. The Montecristo Relief Organization was founded in 1999 to provide ongoing aid after two devastating hurricanes caused unimaginable death and suffering in the Dominican Republic and other areas of the Caribbean.

Over the years, the charity has raised over $4 million to fund the building of homes, schools and medical facilities. Hundreds of  wheelchairs have been donated for the sick and injured. Scholarships have been provided for children who would otherwise have not received educations. Economic opportunities, such as tilapia fish farms, have been created to provide the needy with sustainable incomes. Funds have been donated to Operation
Smile to bring new hope to children with severe facial deformities. Additional aid has included over $1 million raised by the charity together with Altadis U.S.A. to benefit victims of Hurricane Katrina.

For more information about the Montecristo Relief Organization or the Montecristo Cup Charity Pro-Am, please contact Janelle Rosenfeld at (954) 938-7837 or jrosenfeld@altadisusa.com.

In the early 50’s famed artist George Petty drew and airbrushed the pin-up girls for Ridgid Tools popular calendars. According to the ASIFA Animation Hollywood Animation website:

George Petty was one of the top “cheesecake” illustrators of the 30s and 40s. He began his career with a series of cartoons featuring beautiful girls and their far from handsome beaus. His work coined the term “Petty Girls” to describe the carefully airbrushed girls with brilliant smiles and sexy poses. He left Esquire, to be replaced by Alberto Vargas who we will be featuring here soon, and became a freelance commercial artist. His girls soon ended up gracing magazine ads and calendars for such unlikely products as Tung-Sol Radio Tubes and the aptly named, Ridgid Tools.

Being a huge fan of nostalgia and retro stuff, I love this calendar art and so will you. An interesting note about the artist… He grew up working in his dad’s photography studio where airbrushing was common in the business, but not at all in illustration – until he applied the medium to drawings like these making Petty the pioneer of the technique for illustrators who followed.

Scroll down and check ‘em out…just gorgeous stuff!

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE!

Tell us who happens to be your favorite RIDGID chick from years back. While March 1953 is incredibly suggestive for it’s day, I think November 1952 would have threaded my pipe with the most precision!

- Zman

Yin and Yang, Bonnie and Clyde, pizza and beer, golf and betting. Since our most earliest recollections, some things just belong together. And the Leiweke Companies, who are renowned for staging world class high stakes golf events, have taken the latter and created an event so cool, so natural, and so off the charts awesome that while you can’t understand why no one else has done it before, you’ll sure as hell be glad that it’s time has finally come.

World High Stakes Golf is a television show coming this February on HD Net, where amateurs buy-in to play ($5,000) in a qualifying match, with the goal of reaching the championship round. And what’s at stake? MONEY and lots of it – $430,000 in cash and prizes to be exact. You see, this golf tournament is played like Texas Hold ‘Em, No Limit Poker where the golfers start out with an initial purse, then bet or fold on each hole until someone is finally left holding all the chips! Just like real poker, it comes down to having a winning strategy, killer instincts, nerves of steel, and a set of cojones bigger than your BVD’s can hold. Simply put, this is the ultimate game of bravado – light weights and wimps need not apply.

To make it all so extra special, the courses chosen for these events are simply spectacular in their layout and beauty. The Journey at Pechanga in Temecula CA, just outside of San Diego, Las Vegas Paiute Golf resort, and Bear’s Best in Las Vegas feature breathtaking views, and levels of challenge not for the faint of heart. I personally did a tour of Pechanga, an extraordinary resort casino and golf course complex, which has been a Four Diamond award winner for six years running and is the largest casino in the western United States. The hospitality, atmosphere, and swag that each of the players are treated to is at an unparalleled level of sophistication and class.

What really makes this tourney so great is that golfers of every handicap can enter – even YOU! There’s a list of qualifying events at the WHSG website, along with the rules and course descriptions. You can register NOW for the 2011 showdown to secure your spot in this one of a kind, world class event.

We’ll report back shortly as the event grows nearer, and hopefully hear from the commissioner, himself, Terry Leiweke, filling us in on some of the intense golf action and gambling prowess we can expect to see come this February.

CLICK HERE> World High Stakes Golf

- ZMAN

Creating world Class Scotch Whiskies is an arduous task that takes the proper ingredients, time, and a tremendous amount of god-given patience.

There is a freedom an outsider has in a tradition bound business. After many years in the wine trade, John Glaser, an American, entered the world of Scotch Whisky.

Learning his art through one of the industries largest companies, John developed a passion for Scotch whisky and dreamt of starting his own company. In 2000, he started the Compass Box Whisky company, fine tuning his first whiskies in his kitchen. Known for seeking evolutions of traditional techniques, particularly in oak maturation, he says, Our role at Compass Box is to nurture the roots of tradtition, in order to grow the possibilities.” Today, John Glaser is considered one of the most respected whisky makers of his generation.

Compass Box makes a variety of Scotch Whisky in two main ranges, their signature range and their limited release range. Today we’ll look at the three amazing world-class whiskies that make up their Signature range.

The Signature Range from Compass Box.

The three Scotch whiskies in this range offer the spectrum of Scotch whisky style, from the delicate, sweet character of Asyla, to the rich, spicy, malty character of Oak Cross, to the peaty-smoky character of Peat Monster. Each is made from casks chosen individually, cask-by-cask, to ensure perfect maturity. The casks are combined according to recipe and returned to wood for “marrying” up to 12 months before bottling. Steps like these enhance complexity, flavor integration and soft mouth-feel. Extra steps, but they’re worth it.

PEAT MONSTER

For those who love big, rich smoky-peaty malt whiskies, this is your whisky. Peat Monster combines very smoky and peaty whiskies from the island of Islay with rich, medium-peated Speyside whisky. The result is a balanced, very drinkable peaty malt.

Complex and Multilayered. A malt whisky for real peat heads, and for lovers of complex, multilayered whiskies. What makes it fit into the Compass Box house style is the balance of richness and subtle sweetness that the old casks of Ardmore provide to the smoky-peaty Islay malts. This is the great benefit of combining single malts from different distilleries. They are not limited to the produce of one distillery. Like a wine maker blending grape varieties, they can create layers of complexity. And, as of late 2007, they have introduced even more complexity by adding some south shore Islay malt to enhance the peatiness and earthiness.

OAK CROSS

They call this malt whisky Oak Cross because it offers the best characteristics of both American and French oak aging. A rich, medium-bodied malt whisky, Oak Cross combines vanilla characters from American oak and spicy, clove-like characters from French oak.

Innovative New Oak Casks – Compass Box works with a small mill in France that produces some of the highest quality cooperage oak in the world. It was our work with this mill that led us to experimenting with secondary maturation of malt whiskies in casks fitted with new French oak heads. This is something no one else in Scotland does. The result is malt whisky with more character and complexity. We use this technique on about 50% of the malt whisky in Oak Cross and it results in a superior finished product.

ASYLA

The ultimate “everyday,” “before dinner” or “Sunday afternoon” Scotch whisky. With just a splash of chilled water, this blend of soft, sweet grain whiskies and elegant, refined malt whiskies epitomises deliciousness in the world of Scotch.

The Secret is in the Oak – The secret to making Asyla is the quality of the casks. Only whiskies aged in first-fill American oak casks are used because these yield whiskies with more vanilla character, more richness and more sweetness than refill casks. There is no other blended Scotch whisky on the market that uses whiskies of this quality. Also, there are few blended Scotches that use 50% malt whisky as we do (all unpeated malt whiskies). The result is a carefully crafted, elegant Scotch whisky that makes the perfect aperitif.

If you want more information about Compass box CLICK the ad on the right side of our site in order to visit their site.These great whiskies can be found in fine spirits stores everywhere.

Our good friend Robin Robinson is the Brand Ambassador for Compass Box Whisky. Robin first came upon single malt Scotch whiskies in 1984 when he faked his way through hosting a Scotch whisky dinner for a bunch of Park Avenue swells while knowing absolutely nothing about the subject he was talking about. After cleaning off the tar and feathers, he bought his first single malt Scotch and a love affair was born. Since then, Robin has cast a wary eye on anyone calling themselves an “expert”.

Mr. Robinson edits the whisky blog found at  www.onemalt.com.

Megan Fox just may be the hottest 22 year-old on the planet right about now. The model turned actress has taken Hollywood by storm and yours truly, Tommy Z. was fortunate enough to sit down with this sensational…uh…

…all right, all right – I have a confession to make. I didn’t exactly interview Megan Fox in person. Okay…I may not have really spoken with her at all. I mean come on – you actually think an astonishing, sizzling hottie like her would have anything at all to do with a loathsome jerk-wad like me? Ummmm… nah. So as I fantasized unholy thoughts while Googling her steamy images, I thought I’d just go ahead and write the interview that I’d want to do, as well as the answers I imagine she might give. Aw, don’t be mad at me, this is probably better than any REAL interview I could ever do, and I promise to make you smile. And hey – you get to gawk over a lot of leggy photos that should have a personal defibrillator issued with your log-in.

Heh-heh…heh-heh… I said log-in.

TZ: Hey Megan, thanks for sitting down with me (As under my breath I utter, “Oh my God, you are so stinkin’ hot.”)

MF: And…who the hell are you, anyway?

TZ: I’m Tommy Z. from PlanetZman.

MF: What is that… another dirty old man porn site for a bunch of mid-life crisis looosers?

TZ: No…it’s not porn…I guess you could call it a men’s lifestyle site…you know, everything that guys are into.

MF: You mean beer and hooters? That’s about the scope of it.

TZ: You forgot cars, football and buffalo wings.

MF: And pleasuring yourself to milf sites?

TZ: You’re perceptive for your age.

MF: And you’re fat and creepy. Do you know that you’re drooling?

TZ: God, I hate that…It’s from my mother’s side of the family…something to do with first cousins marrying. Hey listen, a lot of the fans want to know if it was difficult and scary working with those monster robots in Transformers.

MF: WTF Is your problem?

TZ: Is Optimus Prime as nice in person as he is on the screen?

MF: Did your parents have any children that lived, you f@#king retard?

TZ: How do you feel about FHM Magazine voting you the sexiest woman in the world?

MF: A lot better than Sarah Jessica Horseface being named the Un-Sexiest woman alive by Maxim.

TZ: What kind of men turn you on?

MF: Pretty much the opposite of you. Do you even bathe?

TZ: I’ll take that as some sort of twisted backhanded compliment, thank you. In a GQ Magazine interview, you said that you fell in love with a female stripper when you were 18 and used the experience to illustrate your belief that “…all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes.”

MF: And your point?

TZ: Do you admit that you’re bisexual?

MF: Let’s just say I love to devour my meat from both sides of the buffet table. You get a good picture of that in your head, Polack boy?

TZ: Can I sneak off to the bathroom for a minute? I swear it’ll only take a minute.

MF: Can I ask who the hell you bribed to get this interview?

TZ: Well, nobody actually – I’m just making this whole thing up.

MF: Oh, right.

TZ: You’ve got an uncanny nine tattoos on your body, including a poem on your ribcage, a symbol for strength on your neck, your fiancé’s name on your hip, a bull’s eye on your back, a pink flamingo on your upper thigh, and a picture of Marilyn Monroe’s face on yourr right arm. You also has one on your right shoulder that says “We will all laugh at gilded butterflies,” a line from Shakespeare’s play King Lear. Are there any in an undisclosed place that we don’t know about?

MF: I’ll show you, but I WILL have to kill you.

TZ: Something tells me I’ll die with a stupid-ass smile on my face.

MF: Will you look at that…time’s up!

TZ: OH COME ON! THAT IS NOT FAIR!

MF: Life ain’t fair, sweetie – now go take a cold shower and wash that cigar stink from your ass.

TZ: Ah Jeez!…I was THIS close I tell ya…THIS CLOSE! Can I call you sometime? Megan?

She wants it.

- ZMAN

#1 – Do You Love Me?
It’s funny because the typical male’s answer to that question is almost always the same: “WTF is that supposed to mean?”

#2 – I’m Thinking of Having Plastic Surgery
Our expert claims that men want their women to have natural beauty and that the “real” you, the girl he fell for won’t be there anymore. What a crock of Shinola! I say bring on the saline and pump those puppies up. I’d love it if my wife came home with a new set of big bouncy cans. The first thing I’d do is toss her a basketball and watch her dribble in a low cut top. Although paying for them is another story.

#3 – You Used to Take Me Out and Now We Don’t Do Anything
Whaddya mean we don’t do anything? We watched the Giant’s game, grappled in the sack for three minutes, shopped on line at JR.com, and you cooked me a wonderful roast beef dinner! I think this was a pretty perfect Sunday, if you ask me.

#4 – Don’t You Like My New Outfit (Or Hairdo?)
Okay, now this is a lot of pressure for a guy because the initial response his brain makes is – “What new hairdo or outfit?” But we act cool, try not to flinch and make a suave remark like, “Sure looks better than that old p.o.s. you used to have.” And as you know, that is a very BAD answer, but at that moment your team is inside the five yard line and the friggin’ shrew couldn’t wait until the end of the goddamned game?!

#5 – Don’t You Want to Go Shopping?
Which is like asking a man, “Do you want me to stick a grappling hook in your eyes then pour gasoline and ignite your old Marvel Comics collection?” If the shopping is for you, she’s saying that your three Metallica t-shirts and one pair of shredded jeans make you look like garbage. And if the shopping is for her, well then, all right – bring on the hook but don’t dare touch the comics.

#6 – Can We Talk? (While he’s trying to watch the game.)
Unless it’s about Pittsburgh’s inability to run on the Giants D, what time the Rangers/Islanders game is tonight, if you’d like to make a beer and hot wing run, or if I think that 15 minutes during halftime is enough to pleasure me…please keep the pie-hole on auto-shut. If it’s about the yenta’s at work or the fact that I forgot our anniversary, please wait until I’m in a drunken stupor and passed out in a heaping mess of my own bodily fluids.

#7 – I Only Slept With (insert number) of Guys Before You
Yes, every man wants to have a clear mental picture of another guy shtooping the gal he said “I Do” to. Please – give me all the details, no really – want to know. The so-called expert says a woman should NEVER – EVER let this proverbial cat out of the bag. Oh come on, we’re bigger than that, we can take it… I mean I want to hear all about the days with her heals high in the air while screaming out some dirtload named Roscoe’s name while spread eagle over a duffle bag full of hockey equipment in the back of his ’76 Pinto.

#8 – You Care More About Your Friends Than You Do Me
Now the expert claims this is some kind of trust issue, but since I’m a guy, I don’t get what the hell this broad is getting at. Hey, my friends are important to my life – we smoke cigars, watch the game, go golfing, and other neat stuff. Honey, they could never replace your vacuuming skills and the fact that you dig anal. And do you think that Joe or Sal would wash my underwear? Come on.

#9 – Why Don’t You Start going to the Gym?
The expert does have this one right as she claims that nagging your man could actually cause him to do the exact opposite. “Yeah honey, I really dig looking like a fat blob of shit.” She says to the ladies to get your guy to take a hike in the mountains and then share a bottle of wine together. Sounds great, but she leaves out the part about humping in the dirt until your head explodes. And if you have Verizon, your man can even catch the scores of the games in real time.

#10 – Does This Make Me Look Fat?
The ultimate question that every broad since the dawn of time has asked every poor schlep who owns a penis.
“Og…dis bear fur make me look fat?”
“Ugh, watching dinosaur fights with Glock. Got Raptors at 3 to 1. Make fire and come back later.”
“Og…I want to know – does dis bear fur make me look fat?”
“Uh…No… course not… YOU make you look fat.”
“Owwwwwwww!” (as Bronto bone is hurled across his thickened brow.)

Honesty may not always be the best policy as a lady’s feelings get hurt, but then the woman gets mad if she thinks you’re lying to her. It is the classic No-Win situation – just ask Og.

So that’s it. I hope I cleared things up from the guy’s perspective. God knows if the Mrs. reads this I may not have the use for my hands for a while.

- ZMAN

Since you’ve landed on this website, it means that there’s a 99% chance that you are of the male species. So the question is – Do you think of yourself as a “Man’s Man?” You probably already consider yourself in that company, but how can you “really” tell for sure? Well, the Zman has come up with a self-examination quiz that will accurately measure your levels of testosterone, guy thoughts, and man sweat.

It’s the Official Planet Zman Manly Man Quiz

The following 35 questions have been technically researched and verified for authenticity. So give us your answers fair and square, and see what kind of guy you really are. How much testosterone is in your tank? Lets find out, shall we?…

1. Have you seen the movies Slap Shot, Red Dawn, Weird Science, Clerks, Lost Boys, or High Plains Drifter in any combined order a total of 20 times?

2. Do you ever find yourself saying “Go get your f@#king shine box” at the most inappropriate times?

3. Have you smoked a cigar during a game of Texas Hold ‘Em anytime in the past 2 weeks?

4. Do you know who the team with the most victories in Monday Night Football history is?

5. Do you laugh aloud every time the giant rack of ribs flips the Flintstones car in the final credits?

6. Have you ever kissed the Stanley Cup?

7. Have you ever drank Budweiser from an ashtray, shoe, or a rubber?

8. Do you religiously head bang to the ending of Bohemian Rhapsody?

9. Do you have a favorite Motorhead song?

10. Have you ever been drilled in the cubes with a street hockey ball?

11. Do you find Paris Hilton a brutally skanky, bizarre, oddity, yet you’d hit it just the same?

12. Are you a normal law abiding good citizen, yet you get off on anyone who is pummeled, maimed, strangled, curbed, or cut up into pieces on the Sopranos?

13. Do you have any sorrow whatsoever for Bill Buckner?

14. Would you stop for a sack of White Castle Sliders even though you were on your way to your mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner?

15. Have you ever given nicknames to any of your farts?

16. Do scenes of John Travolta dressed in drag in the movie Hairspray give you convulsions or seizures?

17. Have you ever spent more than 30 minutes trying to delete pop-up windows during a random porn surf?

18. Three Stooges episode or Obama / Clinton debate?

19. Does the thought of having a Corvette, a Harley, and a Hummer in your driveway make you retard giddy?

20. Do you own more than three humidors?

21. Do you soil yourself each time Col. Jessup barks “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH?”

22. When flipping through TV channels, do you pause each and every time on the Spanish station while trying to convince your significant other that it’s for educational purposes?

23. What do you think is heavier: Trying to figure out the meaning of life or Rosie O’donnell’s lunch bag?

24. Have you ever watched Das Boot and felt bad for the Germans?

25. Should cheeseburgers have their own box in the food pyramid?

26. Do you wish you could be Mikey from American Chopper for just one day?

27. Do you find it to be offensive when a woman displays major rack then covers up when you stare?

28. Do you still get awkwardly tense each time you hear Tommy DeVito ask, “What do you mean, I’m funny?…You mean the way I talk?…What’s funny about it?…What the f@#k is so funny about me? Tell me?”

29. Do you feel Harvey Fierstein should be held accountable for the gerbil shortage in French Guiana?

30. Bill & Ted, Harold & Kumar, or Jay and Silent Bob?

31. If it was ok with your significant other, would War Pigs be your wedding song?

32. Did you swear like a psycho drunken sailor and throw shit at your TV when the screen went to black during the Sopranos finale?

33. If Dr. Phil, Simon Cowell, and David Spade were killed in a mine shaft explosion would your immediate response would be, “huh, looks like rain today.”

34. Do you admit to drinking a glasses of ecoli laden raw eggs after you saw ROCKY for the first time?

35. Who’s on first?

OK, brothers, you’ve done your best. Good luck in your continual quest towards eternal manliness and may God bless your decrepit soul.