There’s a force in this universe that men cannot deny themselves. It is so mysterious and powerful that one moment it warms the cockles of your heart, then in the next instant it can tear out your very soul. Gentlemen, you know it simply as… The Cleavage.
Some kind of strange and unexplainable primal forces are at work when the cleavage is exposed. When a man’s eyes make contact, our breath turns to short little panting noises as a pleasant warmth begins to develop in the nether region. Remember the Seinfeld episode where George stares at the NBC executive’s daughter’s low hanging fruit? Jerry says they are like giant and powerful magnets to the eyes with an effect much like Kryptonite has upon Superman.
Once again, it cannot be explained by mere rationale, but when the globes are in orbit, our eyes MUST make contact. Whether they are small and firm, or large, round and jiggly, it does not matter…we HAVE TO look! We HAVE TO. It’s like some unwritten law in the ancient records, scribed on the walls of the Mayan Temples. The luscious valley between the mighty peaks grips a man’s being much like the Sirens who seduced Homer in the Iliad and the Odyssey. Its spell is intoxicating driving a normal man to the very brink of childish behavior, not to mention – utter stupidity (or is that udder stupidity?)
We males have become masters of our craft. We have studied this vertical space of flesh and nothingness and have learned how to catch that sacred glimpse of nirvana at the perfect time. We look the female in the eyes, smile as we talk, nodding as if we are actually listening to a word the shrew is saying. It’s a peek of the holy grails that we are after and nothing will stop our valiant quest. We use cunning and guile to move their attention elsewhere – and the moment their eyes turn, OUR eyes dive in for the kill.
“Oh, look… that kitten must be lost.” We say with an innocent yet sinister glow.
“Oh, where?” she says, as her head moves about.
“Over yonder, in the bushes” you point, as your pupils all but burn a hole into her chest.
“Where?” she asks, “I don’t see a… um, what are you looking at?”
SNAGGED! You have been snagged! She begins to change the subject while awkwardly tugging her blouse upwards. As she continues to talk, you sit there like a fool – a large pulsating letter “L” is emblazoned upon your forehead as the beauty that once was is buried six miles deep in cotton and polyester fibers.
This previous action on the part of the female, I do not understand, as it confuses the male species here and abroad. Let me explain. A woman wears a shirt or sweater that by her choice, is low cut, as her ta-tas are in full display for all the world to gander. They’re swingin’ high and low, loose and free, giving the male populous the joy we so richly deserve. Yet the moment our woman – this teasing harlot – notices where our eyes are fixed, she folds her arms or grabs the nearest Cosmo to cover up those mountains of grandeur. UNFAIR I say!
I, the Zman, speak on behalf of heterosexual men everywhere on this wretched planet. Women, take heed. When you “CHOOSE” to wear a low cut top that exposes your upper region, DO NOT act so alarmed when we men are gazed upon your earthly beauty. Why do you wear such attire if you do not wish for us to stare? Why do you purposely dress so provocatively, yet cover up the moment we sneak a peek? I’ll be honest, ladies… since my early manhood this phenomena has really irked me to no end. You put the sale rack up on display, but when an interested shopper passes by, the curtains are drawn and the shop is closed. Again, UNFAIR I say!
I have to admit that this very horrid plight happened to me only today and I could not go another moment without speaking up for my fellow man. I was taken aback as my character was unfairly thrown into question. This was rude, degrading, and unjust in every way.
I’m telling you, there really was a lost kitten in the bushes. I swear.
- Zman
July 7th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I am with you Z. But unfortunately Sir Issac catches up with cleavage after 50.
Take the old woman who tried to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart. She decided to lift her left jug up, pt the gun there and “popped a cap”. Was admitted to the ER with a gunshot wound to her knee. (Guffaw, chortle, chortle…. I am hilarious…. thanks for the chance to resurrect some of my middle school humor.)
July 8th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I just can’t stop looking at these bongos. And by the web stats page, neither can the rest of you goofs!
July 9th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
please …….. any woman that sports a shirt that shows any clevage knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. She, along with all women, know that men are going to stare at those fruits of passion and dress them accordingly.
July 19th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Bebe’s New Boobs on South Park explained it to a “T”. Puberty hits,you see tits and your screwed until they put you in the grave.
July 20th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Thank god I lack a pair of my own boobs.I’d play with them all day and probably never leave the house.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:10 am
That god damned photo is certainly hypnotic.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:47 am
I’m not a cleavage man. I’m a nip man… Those pointy bastards drive me nuggin’ futz!
August 3rd, 2008 at 7:59 am
It is definitely a curse when you meet a woman for the first time and she is wearing a low-cut top of some sort. You want to look…you know you shouldn’t…but, it is inevitable! You’re eyes are drawn to that spot like light is drawn to a black hole in space.
Own up to it Ladies! Who buys these low-cut outfits for you if not yourself? You WANT us to stare at your cleavage. So don’t play innocent and cover up when we do. Yes, it is indeed a fine example of hypocrisy.
Hey…You wear these outfits because you want us to stare. At some primitive, animalistic, sub-conscious level, you are preening yourself because you are trying to attract a male. And we males respond at that same primitive, animalistic, sub-conscious level. It is our genetic heritage.
It is part of our evolution. Don’t be ashamed at how you have evolved. Because I’m here to tell you…the Males of our species are not ashamed.
August 3rd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Truer word have never been spoken.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Umm..Uhhh..I had something to write but I can’t stop scrolling back to the pictures…ahh screw it..
August 15th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I think I like the milkmaid best. Speaking of milk, I wouldn’t mind milking those for a while.
August 16th, 2008 at 5:49 am
God bless the breasts….and those lovely creatures that come attached to them.
August 28th, 2008 at 5:52 am
There is no cure. You could gouge out your eyes and the pictures in your brain would become enhanced.
I thank God that I married a beautiuful woman who is still all about sharing. Shit, she is still red hot after 30 years.
October 1st, 2008 at 12:43 am
Z, you know what gets me?When they say”Excuse me my eyes are up here”what the fuck things are staring at me so I’m being polite to look at’em while you talk w/me..It’s like they stare just as hard at our “Joints”so cut the bullshit..You have no idea the trouble I’ve gotten into because of boobs w/my lady,good god like Tommy boy said it’s all inprinted in our minds..I Love them..
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:08 am
Johnny, I feel your pain. Now if I could just feel some bongo, life would be grand.
October 25th, 2008 at 5:18 am
god bless cleavage.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:30 am
I love breasts. Even fake ones. I prefer real ones, but I take what I can get. It’s hard (in more ways than one), but sometimes you can’t help but stare even if you know you’ll get caught. Winter is always nice when the girls either wear the really tight, form fitting sweeters or the loose fitting, look at them when I lean over your desk to discuss the TPS reports. To me, everyday is national cleavage day.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
of course we are all drawn to breasts……we were all raised on them.
December 24th, 2008 at 6:40 am
I get a raise out of them everyday.
April 9th, 2009 at 12:45 am
These comments are cracking me up! Being of the, ahem, giant mellon variety, my boyfriend enjoys it when he gets to see people in that awkward “geez, I gotta look!” scenario. I have to say, I’ve only recently taken to giving them some air once in a while…
April 9th, 2009 at 8:47 am
As they say, Lindsay, this is NO GOOD without pictures…