Understanding Your Obsessive Compulsive Addiction to the Sopranos

PART 4 in a weekly 6 PART mini-series exclusively here on Planet Zman, entitled: Character Assassins

Great character development has always been critical to this show, but Chase will be the first one to say that’s it’s the actors that make them who they are. And, like in real life, he mixes it up with multiple character types; some you love, some you loathe, and then there are the schmucks who always seem to get shit on. Chase admits that he couldn’t conceive anyone else in this world other than James Gandolfini as Anthony Soprano, and who could possibly argue that? He’s the manic-depressive, yet lovable Don, who can swing a mighty right hook and a mean chain of sausage links. Tony could shove a guy’s head in a meat grinder, then five minutes later hand Carmella a big bouquet of flowers (D.N.A. still fresh on his mitts) and we instantly forgive the lug.

Sil, Chris and Paulie may be hardened criminals – but if only we could hang with them for a couple of fun-filled days. Dr. Jennifer Melfi has been Tony’s saving grace lo these many years. She’s an innately good person who possesses a great sense of balance and a nice set of gams. But the Soprano relationship has opened up deep scars in her own personal life, leaving us all to ask the important question: “And, how does that make you feel?” And who could forget our favorite Naples import, the pony-tailed tough-guy, Furio Giunta. Not only did he make a mean Buffalo Mozzarella, but he came oh so close to filling Carmella’s cannoli. Oofah!

Then there are the schmucks – the sappy characters that can’t help but being anything but annoying douche bags. Father Phil – now there’s a real fart bag. He mooches gourmet meals for free as he swoons the mob wives with theological mumbo jumbo, and once, while in a liquored-up stupor, almost adulterated himself with none other than Carmella. Meadow’s ex-beau Finn was a highbrow ass-wipe who snubbed his nose at her inconceivable background. Little Carmine couldn’t run the fucking dishwasher, let alone a New York organized crime family. And of course, least we forget Artie Bucco, restaurateur, and Tony’s childhood pal. Artie sure makes a great veal saltimbocca, but he’s a drip of a husband, a lousy businessman, and one boring and inane conversationalist. The poor bastard has gotten beat by several shysters, but always comes back for more. Stunad!

On the flip side, there are characters that have caused you and me to curse at our screens with seething animus. The top of the list starts with none other than Livia Soprano, the mom who was as much fun to be around as an undertaker on oxycotton. The original Debbie Downer, this frau could have made Santa Claus want to smother her in her sleep. Of course, her daughter Janice benefited from all that childhood nurturing and unconditional love…NOT! I think more people want Janice to get whacked than anyone else on the show. Then there was Richie Aprille – just a no good, evil piece of garbage – an angry misfit that couldn’t even fit in with the Mafia, for crissakes. Tell me you weren’t dishin’ out the high fives when Janice popped a cap in his ass. Of course, young AJ has zero respect for others and even less for himself. And, what about Ralphie Cifaretto, remember that cockroach? He set fire to the barn that killed his and Tony’s beloved racehorse, Pie Oh My. I think he looked his personal best when his severed head was stuck into a bowling ball bag.