In this new age of reality television, the networks recognized that chicks are not the only ones who park their ass in front of the tube (which is no longer a tube, btw). Shows such as Idol, The Bachelor, Biggest Loser, Survivor, Big Brother, Queer Eye, Wife Swap, and the oh-so sickening Jon and Kate Plus Eight have had predominant female audiences clammoring for that next unpredictable moment, while bolting to the phone, yakking with the yentas about what just took place.

My wife claims I’ve ALWAYS had reality TV – football, hockey, and baseball. And with the explosion of internet porn, a guy might not have to leave the house until the next millennium (now if only my computer could cook…).

The cable networks got smart and started pandering to us dudes, knowing there’s not a hell of a lot on the major networks to keep us entranced. In 2003, the Discovery Channel started following the exploits of a dysfunctional family of motorcycle builders from Orange County, New York. I happened to actually stumble upon that very first episode of American Chopperwhile flipping through the channels – and although I wasn’t a huge bike lover, this show tugged at my testosterone as iron, sparks, and vicious tempers flew! Oldschool dad, Paul Teutul and creative son Paulie Jr. produced outrageously wicked themed bikes while they duked it out in a thunderstorm of continuous verbal onslaughts. Heavy metal music would crunch in the background as voiceover man Mike Rowe filled us in on all of the manly details. Lazy and talentless, goof-off son Mikey was brought in to supply some levity during Big Paul’s vein-popping tirades, and before you knew it, Discovery Channel had a mega-hit on their hands. Man oh man, now I wanted a motorcycle in the worst way – but somehow, my “better-half” beat that out of me. Wuss.

A year before that, West Coast Choppers cult hero Jeese James had features done about hisCalifornia based bike shop, and he also hosted Monster Garage, where ordinary vehicles were transformed into nitro burning beasts. These new shows had male audiences tuned into the Discovery Channel like never before, and reality TV was about to take a new twist.

Deadliest Catch caught everyone’s eye – and appetite – as they showed what life was really like for Alaskan King Crab Fishermen. Considered one of the world’s most dangerous jobs, these brave yet thoroughly insane men sail the frigid Bering Sea in small fishing boats all for the hopes of bringing in the motherlode – and a year’s worth of pay in just two months. One simply cannot order crab legs while dining out without visuals of these ice-soaked fisherman dancing before your eyes. I can’t get it out of my head that some dude almost sacrificed his life so I could suck the meat from some long legs with drawn butter. And as much as it truly bothers me, I find a way to fight through the ghastly vision and dine on.

Discovery voice over man Mike Rowe cleans sewage back-up, pig poop, and inseminates cows all for your viewing pleasure on Dirty Jobs. Rowe’s sense of humor and great timing make this hour-long disgust-fest a great watch. Ice Road Truckers follows the men who drive big rigs across frozen lakes and oceans just north of the Arctic Circle. These mental-cases deliver much needed cargo in sub zero temperatures – knowing that at any moment their truck could disappear forever with one bad crack of the ice. Again, big dollars are the only incentive that “drive” these daredevils. (You know, I think there should be a new show called cameramen of the Deadliest Catch and Ice Road Truckers. Those crazies are right there amidst all the action and danger, first hand!) And now we have AxMen, the newest dangerous job show that features loggers in the Pacific North West who excavate mountainsides where it’s too dangerous to bring big machinery in. One logger interviewed said about his job, “You try not to think about dying because it’ll ruin your day.” And, of course, so will dying. Every time I think of this show, I absolutely MUST watch this video – and so should you: www.youtube.com/watch

Of course, many of you are into the two similar shows running, Survivorman, featuring Canadian wilderness guide and survival expert, Les Stroud - and Man vs. Wild, starring former British special forces assassin, Bear Grilles. The plots are similar, both men are dropped off in some godforsaken, hellish jungle, dessert, mountain range, or ice cap, with only a few essentials. They must live off the land and survive the elements. The difference is that Stroud is by his lonesome, and carries around a bunch of video camera’s to record his stay, while Grillesis accompanied by a camera crew who “supposedly” interferes in no way and does not supply food or help unless in case of a true emergency (you know, like a grizzly gnawing on his skull while he sleeps.) But Grilles has recently come under fire as he has been accused of fraud – everything from staging chance meetings with wild animals, walking frightening terrain with cars passing by 50 yards away, and sleeping in Holiday Inns. Now I’ve seen the guy drain the water out of elephant crap for a quick pick-me-up, and gut a dead camel and crawl inside for shelter, so I can’t be too hard on the fella. But fans of both shows are pretty pissed that whileGrilles wakes to buttered scones, Stroud’s continental breakfast consists of roasted scorpions and a nice piping cup of his own urine. Yummo.

I may as well let it out that I’m pitching the networks for an amazing reality show, one that pits man against the most brutal and cruelest of elements. This will be a show of great fortitude, inner strength, and mental toughness. I call it: Cigar Blogger - and just as it’s name suggests, this ain’t no walk in the park, people. The premise is based on a worldly and rugged writer who must rise every morning and produce a story that captivates and moves an audience mostly made up of overweight, cigar smoking junkies. He will smoke many stoagies while spinning his tales of facts and whimsy. First it’s an egg sandwich and coffee, peeing several times, and then check the retard emails his buddies send – and be continually pissed-off at the one’s about Obama, Hillary, and Pelosi that Snopes has claimed to be false (wishing oh so much that they were true.) This is drama in it’s highest form as the cameras capture every move at his suburban New Jersey home – putting out the recycle, rearranging cigars in the humidors, scratching his boys, and typing furiously as his brain spews the matter that solidifies his daily creations. He’s tough, he’s dedicated, and he’s about to surf cougar sites when done with today’s epic. He’s the Cigar Blogger - and manly is his middle name.